Writing It Out...

Or Was It?

2012-01-26T08:29:00.001-08:00

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Outside Therapy

2012-01-25T07:26:00.001-08:00

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Tender Mercy-Stitches Edition

2012-01-24T09:02:00.001-08:00

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Blood, Sweat and a New Can Opener

2012-01-23T07:07:00.001-08:00

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Homebody

2012-01-20T10:21:00.001-08:00

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More than Many Sparrows

2012-01-19T09:08:00.001-08:00

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Vacation

2012-01-18T08:16:00.001-08:00

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A Day Off

2012-01-17T10:09:00.001-08:00

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Hello 2012

2012-01-12T07:25:00.001-08:00

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Double Cherry

2012-01-11T08:06:00.001-08:00

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Christmas Blessings Part 4

2012-01-09T07:55:00.001-08:00

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Christmas Blessings Part 3

2011-12-30T05:02:00.000-08:00

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Christmas Blessings Part 2

2011-12-29T05:26:00.000-08:00

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Christmas Blessings Part 1

2011-12-28T13:25:00.001-08:00

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A Christmas Letter

2011-12-23T07:11:00.001-08:00

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Branses-pantses

2011-12-21T05:10:00.000-08:00

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Worth the Work

2011-12-20T05:00:00.000-08:00

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Birthday Letter to Scott (Sorta)

2011-12-16T05:15:00.000-08:00

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Double Good

2011-12-15T10:11:00.001-08:00

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Making a Change

2011-10-01T21:59:00.000-07:00

Guess what...

This will be my very last post here on "Writing it Out."

For a long time (Like for the entire 4 years since I started blogging) I have wanted to change my blog. It has taken me a long time but I finally did it.

I love blogging.

I love recording the stories of our family this way. Over the last four years I have debated many times if I should keep it up or not. If I should make my blog private or not. If I should share my kids like do. Plus, I didn't want to feel sad about comment totals and sometimes I did.

I learned pretty quickly, to get over it. I write for my kids, for myself and for Scott. Keeping my blog open is what helps me do my very best writing.

Plus once in a while, some of you, make comments on my blog or comments to me directly that motivate me to keep writing.

Thank-you so very much, it means a lot to me.

Last year when I was going through a difficult patch with my number 3, we went to the primary program. I was sobbing. My heart was broken- but the music coming from that beautiful army of children, filled me up with joy and hope. I strained to get a few glimpses of my kids. Everytime I made eye contact with one of them, I could tell that they were stretching up on their tippytoes to see me. Trying to get a better view.

I feel like that is how I blog.

I sit down at the end of the day and try to see life from the best possible view, to see the hand of the Lord in my life. And when I write things out, I always do.

I will never stop writing. 1000 comments or 0, it doesn't matter. But it's time for a change.

And with that, I would like to announce the launch of...

"From My Tippytoes"

My new blog.

I would love for you all to keep reading. It will be the same as it has always been.

No decorating projects.
No product reviews.
No recipes.

Just life as I see it from the best possible point of view.

I feel like I am the annoying friend that makes everyone sit down and watch her home movies, thinking that they give a care. But, if you like, update my URL and keep reading. I learn so much from the people around me and I hope that is how the rest of you feel too.

The new blog still needs work, a little sprucing up, but my latest post is already up. I will keep "Writing it Out" open if it looks like people still like viewing my archives.

Thanks for being a reader. I really love sharing my stories. 416 so far!

Now go check it out!

www.frommytippytoes.blogspot.com

Doing

2011-09-28T16:46:00.000-07:00

Look whose getting around....

She is off and in constant search of death and injury, I tell you. She is at the lovely age of preferring electrical cords, hangers, pencils and car keys to safe, colorful, approved baby toys. It doesn't matter how big the pile of toys is, if she can see danger, she prefers it. Plus she has 4 razor sharp chompers.

As I was following this little sweety around the house yesterday saving her life over and over, I called my Mom to check in. She gave me some troubling news about my youngest brother. He's struggling, making bad choices and is wading waste deep in some very dangerous waters. I know it breaks my parents hearts. It breaks mine too, even though he was just a bit more than a toddler when I moved out. The conversation made me thankful that, for now, most the dangers we face are electrical cords and car keys. For Kaden and the twins it's friends who say bad words and less than nice TV shows.

We still have time. Thank-goodness.

I have been on a mission lately to undo the damage that I let hit our family over the last year of pregnancy, recovery and then a baby who I couldn't get to eat for 4 months and who got severely sick. I was too stretched thin to do a good job with the family as a whole, because I was just desperately trying to get through each day.

Now, I feel better and there is work to do. I laid in the dark the other night filling Scotts ear with all of my concerns. He responded to me,

"Hun, we're trying."

I lovingly replied that,

"all parents try, we have to do."

The next morning while I scambled the eggs, that wonderful, famous scripture from Nephi came to my head.

"I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded for I know the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing that he commanded them."

I called Scott and reminded him, that Nephi, tried. He did. He tried on his own to get those plates but couldn't, until he found out from the Lord...how to do it. And that is where I am at. Trying to find out just how to raise each of these 5 little wonders in my home.

Because do you know what else Nephi said? He said:

"And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do."

So since I NEVER know beforehand the things which I need to do, I am doubling my efforts to FIND OUT!

I want to make those magical days where everyone treats each other kindly, where everyone says "thank-you", where we're cheering each other on, where were making good choices, serving others, working hard, enjoy the world around us and being THANKFUL, happen more often. And so, I am madly at work implementing certain strategies to teach these values better, to have more of them myself, to DO and not just TRY.

While we were at the beach, Scott and I worked on a family motto. I went through stacks of hotel scratch pads. And then on Friday, while Scott and I stood in the wet sand watching Brylee swim, I traced the final version into the sand and Scott said,

"Yup, that's it."

Be Thankful

Work

Enjoy

Service

Kindness

Now, I am eagerly awaiting the wall hanging, that is currently in production. I cant tell you how carefully we picked those words.

Be Thankful: When we first started working on the motto, my first priority was Gratitude. There is just not enough of it in the world and I want my children to be grateful people.

Work: Well, of course.

Enjoy: This one, I feel has some unique importance to our family. It simply means enjoy the beautiful world we live in, for example, notice a nice spring breeze, notice the sun set, notice how awesome the world is and let it be a reminder of how much Heavenly Father loves you. I wanted this one because I just feel close to Heaven when I am hiking, or picnicking, or playing out back, being out side is wonderful.

Service: True happiness comes from serving others, the sooner kids learn that, the sooner they are happy.

Kindess: This is the number one Christlike quality that I want my children to have. Be kind to EVERYONE, don't gossip, don't criticize, go the extra mile to make someone feel loved.

I am no Nephi, that's for sure but I am so thankful for the chance to raise a family and I am so thankful to know where to go for help.

Now, I will GO and DO some life saving in the form of digging that rubber band out of Cali's mouth.

Sandy Memories

2011-09-26T21:41:00.000-07:00

We spent all of last week at the beach. It was wonderful. Kinda cold, we had to do homework, Branson had an earache and Scott had to spend some hours of everyday working, but it was wonderful.

On the way there we stopped and had lunch at "The Golden Coral." That's right, the senor citizen hang out of the century. We spent a solid two hours eating plate, after plate, after all- you-can-eat-plate. The kids topped it off with ice-cream and cotton candy and with that we declared our vacation had officially begun
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One morning, Cali, Ella, Brylee and I were the first ones to pitch our chairs and stake a spot on the beach. It was cloudy and breezy and perfect for snuggling together in one chair. For nearly an hour, the girls and I sang our favorite primary songs, while we watched the ocean dance in and out. I rested my cheek on Brylee's shoulder and kept Cali balanced on my other knee, Ella played in the sand at my feet. Somewhere during the second verse of "I am a Child of God" I felt my heart beating hard through my jacket, to say that my love for these 3 little girls is bigger than that giant ocean and broader than the gray sky that was spilling into it, is an under statement.

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Kaden watched the movie "Rio" 3 times. There's a part where the animated leading lady comes out in a sparkly blue bikini. When this part came up, I yelled out to my boys,

"avert your eyes, avert your eyes!"

To which a closed eyed Branson responded,

"what does avert mean?"

When I responded,

"it means don't look"

Ella quickly answered back,

"Well I'm looking."

Ahhh Ella, always mesmerized by shiny and sparkly.

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One afternoon my boys plus one cousin, walked down to what they like to call, "the pond." When they didn't come back for more than an hour, Scott and I set out after them. When we got there, the boys hadn't seen us yet and I spent several long minutes watching Kaden play. He was building up little mounds of sand and then when a wave would come he would make little exploding sounds with his mouth.

I was thankful that in at least some ways, he's still a little boy. More evidence of this was when he covered himself in a towel that was sprinkled with crackers and waited for the birds to peck at him.

Plus, he played beach baseball.

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Branson found a conch shell that was fully in tact. The first one I've ever seen pulled straight out of the ocean and not purchased at a sea side gift shop. Brylee found a sand dollar and Kaden didn't find anything but a bunch of white rocks that knocked around in my dryer today. I pulled pocket fulls of them out of his swim shorts.
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I managed to take one beautiful picture of my girls and one great picture of my boys to replace the out dated ones hanging on my bathroom wall.

And Cali, tasted sand. And true to her nature, she gaged.

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Every evening the kids spend in the pool. I think the fresh water feels good to them after swimming all day in salt. Sometimes they swim well past dinner time. And then we skip baths and with-in minutes 5 kids are sleeping, all sprawled out right where they fell.

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Branson improved his skim boarding skills vastly. I 'm so impressed. I could watch him do this all day. His little tongue curling out of his mouth in concentration does me right in.

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For some reason I cried the first half of our drive home. I felt sad to be heading back to real life, sad for the heart ache of our extended family and their recent loss and sad that another summer has come and gone, leaving my kids older and more grown up. After a stop for lunch and gas, we decided to read "Celestial Pursuit" trivia cards together. Kaden read several hymn related questions in a row, all of them kinda like,

"In the hymn, How Great Thou Art.....?"

We answered most of them and then out of no where Scott turned on his game show host voice and turned to me and said,

"In the song "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" how many times do we repeat, for hes a jolly good fellow?" He followed that with an operatic rendition of the song.

It was hysterically funny to me and I laughed huge tears right down my cheeks. I swear, I'm either crying cause I 'm crying or crying cause I'm laughing.

-------

This morning, after taking his dirty clothes to the laundry room, Branson said to me,

"Mom, have you SEEN the laundry room lately?"

"Yes, Branson as a matter of fact I have, thank-you very much."

I then said,

"Don't you wish you were me and got to stay home all day and do the laundry?"

He just smiled his sweet little squinty eyed smile and said,

"No, I don't."

But as for me, I am so thankful to be me. Thankful to get to stay home and wash the sand out of our clothes and pick Kadens treasure rocks out of his pockets. Thankful to get to stay home and scroll through my memory card, reliving another beautiful week on the beach. Thankful for all you can eat lunches, surrounded by gawking senor citizens. Thankful to get to fill sippy cups, change diapers, help with homework, make dinner, comb chlorine filled hair and dry, gallon size baggies of shells out on the picnic table. I am thankful for that laundry that still smells a little salty from the ocean air and for sweet baby cheeks that feel like silky billows of satin on my lips. I am thankful for a 4 year old that loves shiny and sparkly and for a big girl that knows all my beloved primary songs by heart. I'm thankful for a husband that hold my hand when I cry sad tears and provides an outlet for needed tears of hysteria. I'm thankful for a loving God that kissed my kids shoulders with sunshine this week, reminding me with tan lines and a huge pile of sandy laundry, that He loves me.

And I love Him too.

So very much.

To Myself

2011-09-16T09:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Self,
About a week ago we decided that everything had to go. Every chore chart, money system, discipline method, bedtime routine, reward system, homework hour...all of it. We were going to clear the slate and start over. What worked with 4 kids is not working with 5. What worked with younger kids is not working with our "getting bigger" kids. What used to be manageable is becoming not manageable.

Can we just get a re-do please?

The problem for us is we are very good at throwing caution to the wind and having fun with the children. We are good at days off school and vacation and spontaneous trips to the lake and hikes in the mountains. We are good at swimming in the dark on a school night and letting the kids go hog wild with the crate paper, on the front of the house, for no good reason. We are good at tether ball games and fire pit dinners and trips to the beach. We need to get good at structure and some good deliberate parenting.

The one thing that will not change is our simple, easy, nightly, scripture study routine...hopefully the attitudes accompanying us to it, will.

So, we talked it over with Scott and then we went and cleared the entire bulletin board. Ahh that felt good. We registered on a very good parenting web site and used it's guide to create 5 simple family laws. Over the next couple weeks we will implement a better "family economy" and a simple money system for the kids. We are going to work very hard at being less of a maid and more of a Mother. Besides that, Maids get a pay check and we haven't seen one of those in more than a decade.

We need more simplicity in the daily structure and routines. The kids need to know VERY clearly what is expected and what is required. 5 rules. They can do that. This morning after prayers, I issued two simple challenges and asked that they be ready to report on those challenges after school. This will be a new daily thing. The same two challenges everyday, with a report on how they did before after school snacks are ~~devoured~~ served.

Self, we have good kids. We do. We are just missing the mark here and there and Heaven knows I need a bed time that involves some sleeping and not just bodies scattered on the floor of our room, in our bed and under our feet. Not that family sleepovers don't have their place in the world but we're tired and tired equals cranky. And cranky is not good.

There are so many things we do good. Like how we rock Cali in the rocking chair for every feeding. No TV, no telephone just her and us, singing and staring and touching. Like how we never miss family prayer. Like how we let Ella climb up on the counter and help with the meals. Like how our kids are free to build haphazard tree houses, back yard fires and whole wardrobes out of duct tape. Like how we give back scratches and bedtime stories. Like how we go on hikes and take trips to the lake. We just need a little more respect, a little more quick obedience, a little more gratitude and a lot more joy in the daily tasks of life.

Good luck Self, we're going to need it.

(picture from "Temple Week" taken by portraitsbyrobinlee.blogspot.com)

His Flock

2011-09-15T10:00:00.000-07:00

Saturday night we all accompanied Kaden to his first football game. It was all too apparent within just the first few seconds, that things were not going to turn out good for our team. I thought Kaden played amazingly but still, they got beat. BAD.

I knew that Kaden and his tendency to be intense, would not be happy.

I was right. He huffed and puffed and complained all the way to the car, all the way through our fancy dinner at the local Arby's and then as we drove home in the pouring rain and the pounding thunder, Kaden choked on some tears and asked me,

"Mom, do you think I came to the right family?"

A little over dramatic probably, for a lost football game, but I confidently assured him that he was in the right family. That we need him, want him, love him, cant live with out him.

What I didn't tell him is that sometimes, I wonder the same thing.

"Am I the right one for this job?"
"Am I the kind of Mother that they need?"
"Have I shown them everyday that their life has supernal value?"

Last weekend Scott and I learned that a family member had taken his own life and that another one was in the hospital after trying.

Life is just so hard. We have disappointments. Addictions. Losses. Depression. And....we sometimes lose the football game. We have all left the Garden of Eden and this really is the "lone and dreary world."

While we drove in the rain that night after the game, Kaden sitting next to me fighting his little boy tears, I felt sure that I need to redouble my efforts. To love. To forgive. To teach.

And I felt sure that Kaden is in the right family.

It is amazing to think that we have a loving Heavenly Father that knows the extreme heart ache and suffering of our two relatives and their immediate families but that he also knows perfectly, the small heart ache of His little son, who lost his first football game. I know that he can sustain, comfort and guide His children in the worst of circumstances and that He can sustain and guide me, in parenting my own little flock of 5, even though His flock includes all of mankind.

Think of the purest, most all-consuming love you can imagine. Now multiply that love by an infinite amount—that is the measure of God’s love for you. God does not look on the outward appearance. I believe that He doesn’t care one bit if we live in a castle or a cottage, if we are handsome or homely, if we are famous or forgotten. Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely. Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly. Though we may feel lost and without compass, God’s love encompasses us completely.
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

I'm a Softy-You're a Softy

2011-09-10T21:34:00.000-07:00

Cali turned 7 months this week.

Be still my heart.She is so loved.

When Kaden has been at school all day he always comes in the door asking for Cali. His favorite phrase is,

"My Cali meter is low."

Brylee is such a good help with Cali. She is good at just sitting quietly with her and watching her play.

Ella loves her some Cali baby. Yeah, a little too much.

Branson is always coaxing Cali to crawl, stand, eat regular food and any other milestone that hasn't happened yet. He's as impatient with her progress as he is with every single thing in his life. He has absolutely no patience that boy.

Scott likes to lay on the bed and let Cali rub her feet all over his wiskery face.

As for me, I just love her to the ends of the earth. My little brother became a Daddy for the first time yesterday. He's been teasing me for more than a decade about being an overly protective, overly emotional Mother. Josh is a marine and a wrestler and we always make fun of him for having "no soul", because he doesn't even cry in heart wrenching movies like, "Go Toward the Light."

He's a tough guy.

But I went to see his sweet little Jack today and I'd be willing to bet that those days are over.

Dear Josh,

Welcome to parenthood, he's awesome. Before you know it, you'll be talking baby talk and getting choked up when you thank heaven for this amazing little gift. You'll be getting up at night to check on the rise and fall of his tiny chest and you'll say things to Emily like, "that's a cute outfit you've got him in." I am certain that you'll miss him, when you go back to work and I wont be surprised to hear that you sing into his soft little ear, when he's falling asleep. You'll get really good and perching him in one little ball, high on your chest for naps and you'll cringe when he gets his first shots or cuts a tooth or gets diaper rash. Face it Josh, your a Daddy now...your "tough guy" days are over.

Congratulations Softy,

Love,

Julz

For This

2011-09-05T19:30:00.000-07:00

Last week was our wards "Temple Week". There were a few different activities, one of the activities was last Saturday. Everyone was supposed to take their family down to the Mesa temple, get a picture together and visit the visitors center. That morning Scott and Kaden had football practice and so I ran around in a flurry getting everyone dressed and hair combed and ready to go. It took me 2 solid hours. Scott got home and showered then we loaded up and headed to the temple. The whole way there-THE WHOLE WAY, Brylee and Branson fought in the back seat. I closed my eyes and plugged my ears so I could endure the torturous ride.

The temple was packed and there was nowhere to park and so Scott let us all out and he then went up the street to park.

It was hot. Like, heat advisory hot. Add the heat to all the grass and plants and pools at the temple and it was heat advisory meets sauna meets family outing. We dripped giant drops of sweat through the picture and then toured the visitors center. The kids scattered, they all wanted to see something different and while we looked at the City of Jerusalem model, Kaden and Branson had a shoving match.

Ella was screaming to see the "the statue", so we corralled everyone and headed to the front of the building to see The Christis. We were the only family in the presentation and when the big curtains closed and the lights dimmed and the soothing voice came on the speakers, I looked down the row at my family. All their little faces were turned upward and all their eyes were wide and everyone was perfectly still and reverent. I swallowed hard and thought... I did all that for this.

On Friday, I got ambitious. I tried a new recipe and had all the prep work done by 9am. At 5pm just as I was about to cook it all up and serve a gourmet dinner, Scott called and said that they had gotten free Cardinals tickets at work and asked if he and the boys could go. So I threw all their things together and hurried everyone into the car. I pulled out and just then Ella spilled her whole cup of yogurt into her carseat. I pulled back in. Eventually the boys were delivered to Scott.

Later that night after an evening with cousins, I spent an hour getting my, would-be dinner cleaned up, and Ella and Cali put to bed so that I could watch a movie with Brylee. We snuggled together in my bed and talked about school and staff infections and shampoo and babies and she laid her wet head on my stomach while I tickled her back. We held hands as she drifted off to sleep and I thought....I did all that for this.

On Friday, Kaden and Brylee had a evening swim meet so I took Branson and the little girls to play over at my moms house and I suggested we stop for ice-cream on the way home. For the last whole hour that we were there, Branson was chasing, teasing, bugging and tickling Ella. Ella was a full and willing participant in this, alternating from full out screams to shrieking laughter. They were running around under our feet like two little puppies. All of the screaming and yelling and laughing was more than I could stand and I asked them to stop so many times that I lost count.

I was frazzled by the time we loaded up to leave and then my car battery was dead and needed to be jumped.

On the way home Branson asked where we were stopping for ice-cream and I had to respond,

"Oh, were not, because you and Ella didn't listen to me."

I endured the long ride home while he ranted and said a few less than kind words. I ignored him and sent him straight to bed when we got home. Later on, I was laying half asleep on my bed when I heard Branson say,

"Mom, don't open your eyes."

I felt him putting something around my wrist and then he ran out. It was a duct tape bracelet with a message....

And I thought...I did all that for this.

I spent most of last week feeling completely down, totally inadequate and entirely not good enough. My imperfections, mistakes and shortcomings were ringing loud in my ears like a fire alarm. Last night I couldn't sleep, I got up this morning and started my chores. In the office I pulled my camera down from the shelf, wondering if I had even taken one picture all week. I came to the one that the sister missionary took of us under The Christis last Saturday and I remember standing there, holding my baby, showing my kids the nail markings in the granite feet of the statue. We ran our fingers in the groves and looked up at the marks in His outstretched hands and we talked about how He got the spear wound in His side.

While I studied the picture remembering our few precious minutes of peace, I heard Heaven whisper to my heart.........I did all that for this.

And He did.

All of that suffering and teaching and showing and bleeding- so that I can have all this, so they can be mine forever, so I can repent and try again. How I love Him for it.

Happy Things

2011-08-26T09:15:00.000-07:00

Cali-

Cali has finally become sturdy enough and big enough to kiss aggressively. Kissing babies aggressively is a practice I wholly embrace. (And she has nearly master the sit!)

Brylee-

All healed and back to her normal active, loud, hyper, tender, loving, sweet self! Yeah!

Ella-

Ella is my side kick. If I am cooking-she is on the counter, if I am at the computer- she is crawling back and forth over the key board, if I am showering- she wants in, if I am trying to sleep- she prevents it, if I am on the phone-she is screaming, if we are at the store-she is slowing me down, if I turn my back-she picks up Cali. That is to say, she is making me crazy and insane but she did give me a long overdue pedi! Who doesnt enjoy a little polish between the toes?

Plus she had a fabulous b-day! Wherein she and her friends all sported shiny mermaid tails made special by grandma.

Branson-

Has become a full fledged duct tape connoisseur. If your in the market for a nice tie, he's your guy.

Kaden-

Bless his middle school heart. He came home from school yesterday and told me this story.

Kaden: "Mom, at lunch recess I played tetherball."

Me: "Oh my gosh Kaden, it's like 115 degrees outside!"

Kaden: "I know I got super sweaty. Like so sweaty!"

Me: "Well yeah"

Kaden: "I was so sweaty that when I got to my class, I told the girl next to me to feel how sweaty my arm was."

Me: "You did?"

Kaden: "Yes and then I told her if you think my arm is sweaty, you should feel my hair!"

Me: "You did?"

Kaden: Yes

Me: "What did she say?"

Kaden: "She said, I don't want to feel your hair."

Me: "Well, Yeah."

So yes-like I said,bless his middle school heart.

First Day

2011-08-22T18:51:00.000-07:00

Something happened today. The kids went back to school and well, yes that IS something but it is not the something, I was referring to.

I woke up early and thank-you for being impressed as I was up with a wee babe from the hours of 12:30 am to exactly 3:30 am. I started making the lunches and writing out the first day notes...

and then I started a Kings Breakfast-which so happens to be a first day back tradition. (Served on Grandma's china no less!)

I nudged the 3 school kids awake and they began the process of getting ready. Which on the first day is methodical and precise and new shoesey and all. (Everyday here after- it is just a frenzy of clothes, toothpaste and lost socks). After the shirts were tucked, backpacks zipped and hair bows tied, I ushered the children onto the front porch for a set of ceremonial- first day of school, photos.

I did Brylee...

and Branson....

and all three...

and the twins....

And that is when what happened-happened. I stationed Kaden on the porch-on this his first day of middle school and when I raised the camera to find him through the lens, I saw this....

Only when I looked to see the picture I had taken, it looked like this....

My breath stole out of my chest and I could hardly believe that this strapping, handsome kid belonged to me. He doesn't need to be walked to class anymore. His head, that used to fit in the curve of my neck, doesn't even fit under my chin and his feet are as big as mine. And I am quite certain, as I look at his stunning first day picture, that I am no longer the only woman in the world who has a massive crush on him. In his back pack was a copy of, "7 Highly Effective Habits for Teens", required material this year-For Teens, you say? Really? I hugged his shoulders and blew kisses to him from the drive way and when it was all over, I cried and then I got on with my work.

Because then again, this was Ella's first day photo...

First day of another school year that she gets to stay in her mermaid nightgown for as long as she very well pleases.

And that made me happy.

What else cheered me up?

These pictures of last night. Life has been full of stress and tension in our house lately and trust me, we needed to laugh.

And we did.

Dear Kaden,

I hope middle school is an awesome new adventure for you and when all those girls start whispering and giggling when you walk by, just smile back and remember that I will always be the woman who loved you first.
Love, Mom

Now I am off to shovel 3 months of summer out of my house.

Picture It

2011-08-17T13:47:00.000-07:00

Summer is almost over. School will start on Monday and I will turn my family back over to a schedule, to homework, to teachers. We have made memories during these past 3 months that I will never forget.

We started off so glad to be free from the clock and spent every afternoon with friends over, the hose running and lunches served in swim suits on the picnic table.

Then we celebrated two 9th birthdays with ice skating and a trip to the museum and a parents verses kids water balloon fight in the back yard. A few days later, we finally found a food that worked wonders for Cali and she at last was eating normally.

After that it was off to the beach where we spent a week playing with cousins, riding waves and digging in the sand. We took one trip into the harbor and many walks up the road for ice cream and 7-11 treats.

The week after we spent a full day celebrating our freedoms

and a full month reacquainting with cousins we hadn't seen in a whole year.

We planned a trip to the cabin and enjoyed a few days up in the mountains, making mud castles, playing in the rain and going around barefoot like Tom and Huck.

After a quick clean up and an unpack-repack, we caught a ballgame and stopped by to put our feet in the Colorado, then it was back to the beach. Again we took in sweet salty air and relished in whole days spent swimming and tanning and digging and reading.

When we were home again we spent the next week unpacking and doing loads of sandy wash and it was then that I noticed something was not quite right with Cali. She was sick. Super sick. She stopped eating and started having nearly constant diarrhea. We spent every moment praying and hoping that she would recover and start eating again before drastic measures would have to be take. Our prayers were answered and on the 9th day of her illness Cali spent an entire afternoon asleep and when she woke up she was hungry and happy and well.

It was before Cali recovered that Brylee came to me and showed me two small blisters on her side. I put some antibiotic ointment on them and covered them with a bandage. The next day she had one on her arm, so I called the doctor and had her added to Cali's appointment. At the doctor her arm was pricked and squeezed and diagnosed as staff. She was put on a strong antibiotic and when we got home, I scoured the house with bleach and washed all the bedding and towels and bathrooms and floors.

On Monday Scott and I marked 13 years of marriage. It was a normal day full of work, swim practice and house cleaning. I was thankful that neither one of us need a fancy dinner or special gifts to know where we stand. Just a hug in the door way and reassuring whispers of a quiet, steady, reliable love.

Tuesday was Ella's birthday. I wanted to spend the day with her but instead I had to take Brylee back to the doctor. We had quarantined her for a few days, until the antibiotics were good and in her, but her arm was still sore. I was thankful that Grandma offered to take Ella birthday shopping and then meet me back at the house to take the baby, so I could get to the doctor with Brylee.

The doctor took one look at Brylee and sent us straight over for an out patient surgery. Brylee was sobbing and scared and I had guilt coursing through my veins, as I knew this would mean that Ella would have no birthday cake and no birthday dinner. I stopped by the house to get the vegetables that were filling my produce drawers-I needed to arrange for them to be picked up and taken to my sister-in-laws baby shower- that I was supposed to be at that evening. The vegetables were still in bags-not washed-not ready.

After all the arranging was done, I sped down the freeway to see a pediatric surgeon that I knew nothing about. Within the first 20 seconds of meeting Dr. Greenfeld, I knew he had been hand picked by Heaven for Brylee that day. He was kind and careful. He warned us that the procedure would be painful and when he stepped out to get ready, I whispered a quick prayer into Brylee's ear. My poor girl was shaking with fear and sweating with nerves. I literally held her writhing body down while the local anesthetic went into her arm, that had swollen to the size of a golf ball. My own throat was so full of emotion that I had to fight my own writhing, to keep under control. In ten minutes it was all over and she was taped up and calmed down. This experience was easily one of the most traumatic parenting situations I have ever faced.

We called Daddy on the way home for congratulations on stellar bravery and by the time she hung up, Brylee was all smiles and sunshine and relief. When I got back to Grandmas, Ella was thrilled to show me her birthday surprises from her shopping trip. Dinner was being served and a pretty pink birthday cake with sprinkles and candles, rested on the table. The vegetables had been cut and prepared and picked up and the baby had been fed and napped and changed.

Scott walked through the door and we gathered around our little Miss Mae to sing to her and watch her blow out the candles. Kaden played Happy Birthday on his new Ocerina whistle. My throat was all swollen again but this time with over powering love for my little family and for a Mother-in law that gave Ella a Happy Birthday when I couldnt. I am certain that one of the best ways to love someone is to love their kids. I was so thankful that on a day that my kids were motherless they were not Grandmotherless.

I quickly gathered my baby, my birthday girl and my things and headed up the road to Emily's shower. The twins stayed at Grandmas and Scott took Kaden to his swim practice.

This wasn't exactly how I pictured our last 3 weeks of summer to go. But we took a picture after we had sung to Ella. When I look at it, I don't feel the slightest bit sad. I dont think of the crazy hectic hours that proceeded this one. I don't think about the soaking gauze wrap under Brylee's sleeve. I think of this amazing little family that Scott and I have built. I think of the devoted and real love we have for each other. I think of Kaden practicing on his whistle for days to learn "Happy Birthday" in time for this moment. I think of my sweet little birthday girl and how fun she is. I think of how happy we all are that Cali is 100% well. I think of the wonderful Grandma my kids are blessed to have and the pure faith that we belong to, that glues us all together and sees us through hard things.

And I think that this is one of the most beautiful pictures- ever.

Birthday Letter: Ella at 4 Edition

2011-08-16T09:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Ella Mae,

You are a big girl now. A big girl and a big sister and today we will celebrate the 4 glorious years that have flown by, since that happy morning that you came to our family. But of course, you belonged to us long before that. And I am so very glad that you are mine.

What a little beauty you are. You have the most lovely, long and spidery eyelashes that flatter your gorgeous green eyes. You also have pouty full lips that I noticed, right off, when I first held you close to my heart. You just love being pretty and feminine and girly. It is so fun to watch you dress up and accessorize and carry around purses and dollies. You are a plastic high heal expert and you can walk perfectly, (even run!) in any pair of fancy shoes. Just last night you came into our room with all kinds of jewelry and make-up and dress-up on- and I told Dad, that one of my favorite parts of the day is seeing what new "get up" you come up with, every hour or so throughout the day.

You have your big brothers and your big sister wrapped tightly around your little finger. They love you and more times than not, you can get them to do almost anything for you. Not to mention Daddy. You have been a "Daddy's Girl" from the time you were little. You love to curl up with Dad and hear all kinds of stories about, Pickle Princess and castles and wicked witches and mermaids- but you know what? I think Daddy loves it even more. You are his "Little Girl" as he almost always calls you and he treasures his little Miss Mae.

You are learning more everyday about goodness and sharing and helping. You are not perfect but don't worry because none of the rest of us are either. You were having a hard time being still during scripture study, you would rather be silly and make the others laugh than be reverent. Then one night we decided that you were big enough to take a turn reading. I read the words and you copied me. It was the sweetest sound I have ever heard. Your cute little toddler words trailing mine and ever since then, you are much better during scriptures.

You love to eat pomatoes (tomatoes), you love pickles and strawberries and orange juice and you love dip (ranch). You also love to get all the "notes" out of the DVD covers and carry them around like they are very important documents. Sometimes, I wish that I could keep a permanent record of your cute voice and sweet little language in my mind. It makes me smile everyday.

Ella, I hope you never stop loving beauty. You have a knack for seeing beauty in everything and in everyone, often giving compliments to people you don't even know. And I love watching you spread that beauty all around, everywhere you go, everyday of your life. You are a true, real life princess and I love you, heart and soul.

Happy Birthday Ella Mae!
I Love You

Mom

13 Delicious Years

2011-08-15T07:57:00.000-07:00

The other night when I was consumed with worry, in an effort to break the tension, Scott and I loaded everyone into the car and drove up to get some shaved ice. The kids wanted to browse the isles a bit so Scott and I followed behind them and listened to them discuss their sugary options. After a few minutes Kaden picked up a box of candy cigarettes and said,

"Oh my goodness Mom, look at these."

I said, "I know Kaden just don't ever buy those they are a bad candy."

He quickly returned them to the shelf as if he had touched something poisonous. Then I spotted a small box of lemon heads, I pulled one down and told the kids how when I was little, my brothers and sisters and I, used to buy boxes of lemon heads down at the corner "Short Stop" for ten cents. I ended my reminiscing by stating,

"Lemon Heades are seared into my childhood memories."

Then I put them back on the shelf and turned to keep walking. Right then, Scott leaned over and whispered in my ear,

"And candy cigarettes are seared into mine."

I laughed all the way home.

Happy 13th Anniversary Scott, You are sweeter than lemony lemonheads-life with you is as good as it gets.
LYSLJ

While You Were Sick: 2nd Edition

2011-08-12T07:26:00.000-07:00

I am drained. Sucked dry. Exhausted to my very bones. But I am happy.

My baby is well.

She is weak, she is skinny but she is well. I don't know that I have ever felt such profound relief in all my life. I am so very thankful.

Dear Cali,

You and I have spent the last 9 days suffering together. You-because you were so very sick and me-because you were so very sick. My goodness how my heart broke while I watched you go 12 hours at a time with out being able to eat, when you couldn't lift your head off of my shoulder, when your cute chubby legs melted down to little sticks, when I could feel the bones in your back while I patted you to sleep, when I saw the scale read 12lbs and the downward arch of your growth chart. I have never known such heart wrenching concern before.

In the midst of all this, I literally felt the rest of the world fade into the back ground and become almost nonexistent. You were my focus and I could hardly see the rest of the world around me. But you should know a few things.

You should know that from the first signs of your illness, Dad and I started asking Heaven to watch over you, to comfort you, to make you well.

You should know that even though you were dehydrated and unable to eat, you hardly fussed, just laid in my arms still and content.

You should know that Kaden, Brylee, Branson and Ella said many prayers for you and tried their best to help you rest and recover.

You should know that on the 6th day, Aunt Stacey came and took Ella out for the afternoon. Ella was thrilled and you and I were able to rest.

You should know that our dear neighbor Anna brought us dinner and had the other kids over to play.

You should know that Grandma called everyday to check on you and you should know that I could actually feel her prayers in your behalf.

You should know that on the 7th day, Lanny spent 5 hours helping me rock you and feed you. She cleaned the bathrooms and folded the laundry and encouraged me and lifted my spirits.

You should know that Aunt Jenny called from Georgia and Elizabeth called too, just to check in and see what they could do.

You should know that in the middle of a torturous night, Daddy calmly laid his hands on your tiny head, while I shook beside him with my sobs and blessed you.

You should know that Aunt Sheri called with concern for you and made us a delicious dinner.

You should know that you have been watched by angels. That your Mother has felt the tangible comfort of Heaven and the clear direction if the Spirit. You should know that the priesthood is real, that faith can do all things and that you are loved by many. You should know that prayers are not always answered exactly like we would like them to be but this time-they were.

You should know that I love you more than life. That Dad does too. You are precious beyond measure and priceless beyond cost. I will raise my voice to Heaven everyday of my life in thanks for the privilege of being your Mom.

Just thought you should know.

I Love You my little Earth Angel.

Love,

Mom

While You Were Sick

2011-08-08T18:57:00.000-07:00

These last few days have been treacherous. My poor baby is still quite sick but we saw the doctor and did lab work and maybe the fact that she has been asleep more than she has been awake today, is a sign that her tiny body is hard at work recovering. I hope so. I can do nothing productive with my life until she is well.

I am not surprised at all, that in the deep down pour of this latest little storm, there has been a strong arking of tender mercies, bowing up above my head like an umbrella, to slice the rain and protect my heart.
------
This morning I was frantically rushing off to the doctor. I was shouting commands and orders at my 3 older kids and then I ran out the door, just praying that the house would still be standing when I returned and that all my children would be accounted for. Usually when I leave the kids in charge, I spend the entire day before, prepping them. Today I had about 5 minutes. When I left the house Ella was screaming and breakfast had not yet been served.

But I didn't care, all I cared about was getting Cali to the doctors office. You know the feeling right?

After leaving the doctors office but before getting to the lab, I called in to check on everyone. Brylee reported that she was going to freeze herself a cup of Gatorade. Kaden reported the usual, "fine, Mom everything is fine." And Branson reported that because Ella was so sad he HAD to think of something for her to do.

"And so Mom, I thought of getting some string and using the Honeycomb cereal to make her a ring, a bracelet and a necklace and Mom she really likes it and now shes not crying anymore."

My Sweet Branson,
So many of the Tender Mercies in my life, are delivered by you.

-------

Later today after I had finished our appointments and struggled to get a few ounces down Cali, the kids started asking to have friends over, to go swimming, to make cookies, to do crafts. I turned on a movie, told them that I was going no where, that they weren't having friends over and that we were going to spend the day being quiet so that Cali could rest.

But I think what they actually heard me say was,

"You are hereby ordered to a life sentence of boredom."

Later Kaden was invited to the water park by some friends. And in that one phone call, Kadens life sentence was pardoned and my guilt was eased. A bit later, I was stuck in the rocking chair and I had lost track of all my other children.

I headed for the front just in time to see Ella run across the street to play with a neighbor who had just pulled in. Pardon number 2.

After Ella was off, I noticed the makeshift tree house that the twins have been constructing with their friends. I knew they had been working on it but honestly, I have been too distracted to care and it really just looks like an eye sore. As in- a bunch of wood and garbage and ropes up in a tree. I am sure the HOA is thrilled.

I looked up and saw the twins red faces and sweaty brows peering over the edge. They have been playing for hours out side and a lot of those hours, it is just the 2 of them. I was instantly thankful for my little pair. I am so glad that they have each other and seeing their dirty feet dangling from the branches and the pride they have in their ugly tree house, just warmed by hurting heart.

So there you have it- the silver lining, the sunny side up, the rainbow after the storm, the tender mercies in an angst filled week. For some reason it seems like I see them more when I am knee deep in mud.

(I like how Brylee's pig tail is 2 days old and I like that the twins made a can and string phone)

I like how Brylee wore her PJ shirt all day and that it is filthy)

(I LOVE how these two sets of legs dangling from the

treehouse and I love their dirty summer feet)

Half Way

2011-08-07T11:29:00.000-07:00

Today Cali is 6 months old. We should be celebrating and taking pictures but instead I am standing guard at her bed side. Every 10 minutes I check her breathing, the temperature of her forehead and her diaper. My poor little Dolly has had diarrhea for 4 days now and I am getting discouraged. Her bottom is incredibly sore, her big blue eyes are droopy and I swear I can actually see the precious rolls, that we have been working so hard for, melting away, right before my eyes.
I was on the phone at midnight last night with the doctor who was trying to advice me that an infant can go up to 10 days with diarrhea. 10 days. What? I promised him that there was NO WAY, I would be waiting 10 days. I will be standing on the steps of the doctors office in the morning, I can assure you, if she doesn't get better by then. My baby will not stay in the pain she is in for 10 days. No Mam.
----

I said I would write this story someday, today seems right.
Scott and I debated, talked and prayed for a full year before we decided to add a 5th baby to our family. I have never worked so hard to get an answer about anything as I did about that. The thing is- I want dozens of babies. But I also know that every time you add more people to your heart, all the others WILL be affected. Not necessarily in a bad way, but sacrifices do have to made.
By all.

Months and months had passed with really, no clear answer coming to either of us. One afternoon I was going about being a Mother, cleaning up, helping with homework, starting dinner. It was one of those days where I felt satisfied and happy with my work and my life and in a very clear way I felt sure that not having any more children- was fine. Heavenly Father was not disappointed in me, he would not punish me for "being done"- it would be just fine. However. I would be passing up on tremendous blessings, that I could get, in no other way- than by adding to our family.

And so. There it was, number 5 was coming.

Of course the story is not all magic and wonder. A lot of it is hard. I knew that the other side of this blessing is mostly struggle and sacrifice. I knew that there would be days that I would feel too stretched to meet every need, too tired to face it, too inadequate and too human, to Mother 5 little hearts. I knew I would have sleepless nights and long days and phone calls to the doctor at midnight and I knew that there would be times that my heart would nearly break with worry. I knew it then and I know it right now as my sick baby struggles to get well and as my 4 other children are once again getting by with a distracted, stressed Mother. It happens.

But, I also knew all those months- while I watched my belly grow, that I would never be asked to go it alone. I knew that sometimes-it really would be magic and wonder. I knew that my 4 big kids wouldn't get to do all the fun things that their friends -without babies would get to do- but they would get something far more valuable. I knew that when I was up all night, I would be given just enough energy the next day to get up and get going anyhow. I knew that there would be days of sickness and worry and concern but that when those days came, I would be helped and blessed and directed.

And most of all, I knew that the blessings would far out weigh the struggle.That sunshine always follows the rain. That I would hold my little bundle up to my chest and be transported to Heaven in one breath.

And I was right.

Happy Half A Year Sweet Dolly.

Sticky and Grumpy and Forever

2011-08-04T10:39:00.000-07:00

Monday night Kaden was grumpy. Cant say I blame him though, this summer has been a doozy. Long days at home with a Mother that is stuck in the rocker, with only a few short (too short) trips to break up the monotony. I knew this summer would be rough. I was right. For the very first time ever-I am looking forward to the first day of school. Usually the first day of school leaves me with a pit of dread in my stomach, but this year, the only dread comes, when I think that my kids still have 2 and half full weeks to sit here in this small house, begging me to get up and do something other than feed, bathe and nap our smallest.

So Kaden was for sure grumpy. I felt it too, but I do a much better job than he, at hiding it. Then Scott gave a fantastic Family Home Evening lesson about temples. As I sat on the edge of the couch bouncing Cali on my knee, I was once again filled, FILLED with pure joy that our new temple is taking shape, just one mile to our south. It will bless our lives. Our Community. Our ward. Our Family.

Scott talked and Kaden's sourness melted off of his shoulders. I could see it. Scott and the kids watched "The Mountain of the Lord", a video about the building of the Salt Lake Temple, Kaden was enthralled. When it was over Scott and I watched him go quietly to the office, climb on a chair and pull down from the top shelf, Scott's model of the Salt Lake Temple. He was counting the spires when I decided I would join him. We counted granite blocks and measured the angel Moroni with our pinkie nails, then we sat in a circle on the floor and Scott asked Kaden to say Family Payers. He did and I felt a warm pricking inside when he tenderly prayed that we would all "go to the temple some day."

10 minutes later he was grumpy again.

I was really good at fixing his bottles and changing his diapers and holding his hand when he crossed the road but I don't feel as expert at this business of moods and growing pains and hormones. When in all the world did he get so big? A few months ago my aunt and Mother to 8 children asked me how old Kaden was. When I said 11, she said that from the time her oldest son was 11 until he left on his mission at 19- is a blur.

"You better enjoy him while you can,"

she said,

"He will be gone before you know it."

That oldest son now has a wife and 4 kids. And this morning she drove her 5th son to the air port and said a good-bye that will have to last for the next 2 years, while he serves his mission, across the world-in Australia.

After kissing Kaden good night, even though he was entirely mad, I crawled into bed and rehearsed everything I know. I know that I love the temple, because of temples my Aunt can hang to those bygone blurry years and she can hang on to her missionary across the world and I can hang onto my grouchy pre-teen across the room. I know that Family Home Evening is magic, even if the magic only lasts for an hour. I know that someday all the effort of doing Family Home Evening, will come back to my kids, all added up and compounded- and it will lift them up when they need it most. I know that sometimes, I would rather poke myself in the eye than have Family Home Evening. I know that when school starts in 2 and half weeks, I will indeed have a pit of dread in my stomach but I will also have the fire of faith in my heart because of all those Family Home Evening's that will be stuck to their little souls and because the temple that sticks all of their little souls to me.

Grouchy ones and all.

Mermaids and Homeruns

2011-08-01T13:49:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday Brylee swam in the Summer Classic swim meet at my old Junior High. She came home with 3 more gold metals. It was a great way to start a full day that took us all the way till 1am.

After the swim meet we said our last good-by's to my sister and her 2 beauties. I prayed that all the hugs and kisses and hours of playing will last us another year until we see them again.

Then we loaded up wearing matching clothes and made it to Phoenix in time to use the free D-backs tickets that Scott had received from helping with Little League last season. It was so fun even if I felt every eye in the stadium staring us down as we made our way around the place with our pack of 7. Half way through the game I kissed Scotts cheek and complimented us on our ability to haul 5 kids around and still come out smiling, it is not a task for the faint of heart. Not one minute goes by that someone isn't starving, or needing to go potty, or lost, or needing a diaper change, or just crying for the sake of it, or fighting, or screaming into the innocent ears of the people in front of us. At one point Scott had been up 2 times acquiring the right quantity of food for all of us when Ella had to go potty. So I picked her up and carried her over the people at the end of the row, found the bathroom, helped her go, washed up and then headed back to our seats. After she had swung on every single hand rail down the isle- to the left field seats, I picked her up again to get her back into our row. She kicked her feet up toward her head and sent her dirty flip flop right into the popcorn of the kid in front of us.

Good Times I tell you.

When Scott and I had hit our fun quota for the night we urged every body out of the seats and up to the top of our section. When we got there we realized that Kaden had not followed us. Just then the d-backs player that was up to bat got hit by a pitch-loading the bases. Right after that Justin Upton hit a grand slam that soared right over Kadens head.

When he emerged from the exploding stands Kaden was all puffed full of proud and satisfaction that he had forced us to stay a few more minutes, ensuring we saw the homer.

Yes, well done Kaden, you are so good at disobeying. We're so proud.

On the way to the car we laughed and reminisced and stopped off to put a few coins into the case of the sidewalk sacs player.

After that we stopped for gas, passed out pillows and drove the 3 hours of road to Yuma. When we got to the hotel it was mid-night. I had that fun, rebellious feeling when we unpacked sleeping kids and traipsed up to our room that we were doing something totally against the rules but since we were grown ups there wasn't anybody there to tell us no. It was 1 am by the time the excitement faded and everybody was tucked under the sheets.

In the morning we waded in the Colorado and climbed on an old train before finishing our drive to the beach-where a little mermaid was happy to splash and dig all week in her lycra tail....

And where cousins played late evening games of red light green light...

and brothers wrestled...

and waves were riden....

and books were devoured and little baby feet felt sand for the first time and shoulders were tanned and 6 dollar Oreo shakes were enjoyed.

and where life was just plain good.

Dear Scott,
Thanks for being so good at taking your family out for adventure, for being so tolerant of a noisy car, of multiple trips to the snack bar, and multiple potty breaks during a 3 hour trip, and piles of sand and extra children in our bed. Thanks for smiling when most adults would scowl, for high fiving our boys when the home team scores, for grocery shopping and folding clothes when you flew home to get back to work while we played. Thanks for breaking all the rules of bed time and for picking just the right book on tape for you and I to enjoy, while the 5 little ones in the back seat slept. Thanks for squeezing my hand and patting my knee during the 3rd inning and for calling me from the airport on Tuesday night and thanks for chasing homeruns and mermaids with me, life with you is better than grand slams and warm sand and orangey sunsets above the ocean.

And that... is really good.

Kaden

2011-07-22T09:02:00.000-07:00

One night a few years ago I laid awake in my bed. My 4 year old twins sleeping soundly in their beds and my first boy -nearly 7- tucked in at my side. You see my little blondy had slept there in the middle space from zero to 4, until he finally started testing out a few nights in his own big boy bed. But he wasn't really a big boy at all and so many many nights he found his way back to my side, when the day was over and he was getting sleepy. Since sleep was evading me, I got up and wandered around until I decided to plug in some old home movies. I guess I wasn't prepared for the sight that met my eyes.

There on the glowing screen in the corner was the cherubic little image of my first baby. His chubby, marshmellowy, soft like yogurt baby cheeks were right there, an arms reach away, yet completely untouchable.

I snuggled my blanket tightly to my chest and sobbed hard. He was growing, he was changing, every day taking him further and further away from babyhood, away from rocking chairs and sippy cups and quiet afternoons spent together on the bottom bunk reading stories and napping.

Kaden hasn't slept in the middle spot for a few years now. Our bed just doesn't feel big enough for 2 full grown humans plus their biggest boy. He will be 12, (12!) in a few short months. I have spent the summer trying to convince him that he does have friends, that he is handsome and smart and wonderful but I can see that on most days he doesn't believe me. These things happen. Kids go through "phases". I guess I have been a Mom long enough know to just take a deep breath and see it through to the other side where there is sunshine. This will pass, I know it will. He is big now so he has to work things out a bit more on his own and so I will love him and wait until he does.

This past week I took the kids to the cabin. Kaden didn't really want to go. I decided to let him make his own choice. At the last minute and even though I had packed and loaded his bags he jumped out of the car and changed his mind.

I drove away with out him.

All the way up the mountain my chest hurt. My heart was feeling bruised and I missed my boy more and more with every mile.

We had a great time. We ate delicious food and visited with friends and cousins, we slept side by side, took walks, dug in the dirt, swung on the rope swing and even got caught down in the wash when a huge rain storm hit. Cali was tucked in my baby sling but still got drenched and cold. The kids are still laughing about our "big" adventure.

But there I was all the while missing Kaden, a part of me home in the heat instead of out in the wash during a rain storm.

Wednesday night when we reunited, I hugged him close and kissed his cheek and made him promise that he would never stay home again. He wrapped his tanned arms around my neck. Then he gathered up Cali and kissed her again and again. This morning he fell back into feeling sad and frustrated, he was leaving to spend the day with cousins so I nudged him into the office and hugged him tight. This time his strong arms just hung to his side. I felt just like I did that night in front of the tv- he was right there, but completely untouchable. I whispered into his ear all about the huge, giant, pounding love I have for him.

He didn't budge but when he turned to leave I said one more time, "Kaden, I love you."

He looked up with grouchy eyes and said,

"Mom, I know"

Thank Goodness.

Glad Game

2011-07-16T21:21:00.001-07:00

I have been a terrible mother lately. I have been an even more terrible wife. I am just burned entirely out, I think. The only thing good I have done for my family lately is force them all to watch Pollyanna.

Burned out why? You ask.

Oh you didn't. Well still.

Swim Team
I love swim team. It is a great summer activity. Swim team gets your kids up and active, even before the birds but it is relentless. Between the two of us, Scott and I can make up to 4 trips to the pool in the mornings. The meets are super long and super hot. You spend a total of about 10 minutes watching your children race and the other 3 hours baking like a roast on Sunday. But the hardest part of all is trying to figure out how to be over the top excited for your twin that ends up with 3 gold metals, with out hurting the small heart of your other twin that ends up with 2 ribbons and a silver.

Sleep...

What sleep?

Kaden
My boy is moody. So moody you would think he was 16 and female. I have had to really restrain myself from wanting to ship him off to military school. I was laying in bed last night searching my brain for answers, ideas -anything. I starting whispering out loud, I guess I was hoping Heaven would hear me better that way. The answer was the same as it always is...love him through it. He knows when he isn't acting right, he doesn't need me to tell him and point it out and correct. He really just needs me to look the other way and love him any how. It may not be a popular parenting tactic to follow but it IS what works for this boy.

Scott
I just miss him. These days our only time alone is when I am up in the early hours to feed a baby and he is up to get showered and leave again for the day. This morning he rubbed my back for a solid half hour while I slept.

Ella
I grocery shopped tonight with Ella and Cali in tow. Not a task for the faint of heart. Ella loves orange juice more than any other edible substance so when she saw bright orange gallons right at her eye level, she went after them. Before I could stop her, she had wrapped her first around the handle and pulled it off the shelf. The weight of the juice instantly pulled her entire little body forcefully and quickly to the floor. She landed with a loud smack that sounded like a high dive belly flop. That was followed by unholy shrieks, at an octave that only 3 year old girls can hit. Not to long after the tears were wiped and the screaming calmed she had to go potty. I had Cali and a mountain of groceries in the cart and I wanted to see if I could get her to just forget about going potty, so I ignored. No way. She walked down an entire isle holding her crotch and screaming POTTY, POTTY, POTTY!!

And so I am burned out. But since Pollyanna happens to be the greatest movie ever, I will play the glad game.

1. I am glad that swim team is over, I am glad that Brylee won 3 gold metals and I am glad that her twin brother acted as happy as if he had too.

2. I am glad that my sleep loss is there because I have been blessed to be a mother.

3. I am glad to be Kaden's mom and I am glad that he still kisses me good night multiple times.

4. I am glad that even though I don't see much of Scott he does come home every night. He is not in Iraq or Afghanistan or out with his friends or traveling for work. When he can be home-he is.

5. I am glad that someday, when I am grocery shopping alone, I will probably miss having chubby little toddler legs dangling from the cart and some sort of ridiculous story to tell at the end of each Walmart run.

See here, little girl, we might just as well settle this thing right now, once and for all," he began testily. "I've got something besides the weather to think of. I don't know whether the sun shines or not." Pollyanna beamed joyously.
"No, sir; I thought you didn't. That's why I told you."
~Pollyanna

And I am glad that despite my burn out the sun always comes up again in the morning.

Boredom Equals

2011-07-13T13:53:00.000-07:00

I have started writing about 17 times in the last few days. But the truth is, I can not write in a messy house. But it is summer and the house is always messy. Always. Even though I am always cleaning. Always.

We are between beach trips for now and I never do well in those between weeks especially when we have big kids that want to go go go and 2 littles that I would prefer to stay stay stay. But in a dense cloud of boredom a few new skills have been acquired.

Cali can do this:

She smiles, puffs out her chest with balance and curls her hands into fists like she knows she's doing something cool. It's cute.

Ella can swim. She can. 2 weeks ago I took the kids swimming. (A major job considering I have 2 babies) Ella had officially refused her floaties and so I hooked Cali under my left arm and gave her a quick one armed lesson and then Monday at my aunts pool she jumped off the board and swam to the other side. She may have looked like she was drowning but she made it. I guess all the years of Scott telling her that she is a real life mermaid finally paid off.

And she paints her own nails, 12 times a day.

Brylee can make crate paper clothing:

Branson can:

Build a fire, make play doe, blow bubble formations and pop popcorn in a mason jar all by 8am. (Dear Branson, you are always busy and I cant keep up.)

Plus, I gave into Kaden's persistent requests and let him watch Pirates of the Caribbean. Call me a bad Mom, I deserve it.

And that my friends is what the boredom (and the heat I might add) has produced. I need a new skill that would allow me to take my big kids out for adventure while simultaneously staying home for nap time with my baby. That would be something. And speaking of skills, did you know that my Dad is a writer? He is. I love his stories especially when they are about me. So please enjoy this short sampling of his writing. (Much better than mine-his house must have been clean)

In 1979, when I began my first year of graduate school, I had three children. Jaime, age three, Jeremy, 18 months and Julianne, a three month old baby.
We moved away from home so that I could go to college. It was not a pleasant experience for me. School was very difficult, finances were inadequate, we were a long way from home and nothing was going to get better in the near future. Even under these conditions, LeeAnn remembered to do the important things for the family. She set up an appointment with the photography department of J.C. Penny's so that we could have a professional portrait of Jaime, Jeremy and Julianne.
On the appointed evening, LeeAnn dressed the children in their best clothes and we all went to Penny's. I was there but my mind and my emotions were not.
I will always have an image imprinted on my mind of three little kids bunched together for a photograph. I was standing to the side, with the photographer at my left. As the three kids were placed in the proper pose, the photographer told them to hold still and smile. At that moment, Julianne, who was very excited about the whole thing, looked over at me. She could not have known what was going on but she knew something fun was happening. She looked at me with great big eyes, and then turned back to face the camera. As she turned to the camera, her face lit up with a great big, excited smile. It was as if she realized that her picture was about to be taken she was thrilled.
The photo session is one of my earliest memories of a specific moment when Julianne was just a baby. It was a time in my life when I was feeling the weight of the world but Julianne's excitement, her enthusiasm and her beautiful, bright smile, gave me a moment of real happiness.
That was 20 years ago. I should have known that Julianne would be a constant source of happiness in our family. She was then, she was during the following 20 years and she still is now. I thank my Father in Heaven for giving me the honor of being Julianne's father.

Actually the honor has been mine and besides that, I know just how he felt. I had the same experience once. See....

And now I will go retrieve my bored children from all the corners of the house and teach them a new skill called...Don't make a mess for an entire 5 minutes. Is it possible?

Sleepless in Blogland

2011-07-08T06:08:00.000-07:00

If you could, would you please blame my blog laziness on the lack of sleep in my life? And when I die, if it is said that I was not as good of a mother as my sister in law, whose baby slept through the night at 2 months or my sister whose baby also slept through the night at 2 months, well then, could you please blame that on lack of sleep as well?

I'd appreciate it, thanks.

I should have known at the very second the doctor declared, 'Twins!", that I was in for a life time of no sleep, but no- I thought after the first year that I would sleep again but here I am 9 years later, still getting very little sleep. Not that I blame the entire situation on the twins but still. Last night between the hours of 10pm and 5:30am- I was woken up a total of 6 times. This involved 3 of my 5 children, one drink of water, one bottle, a couch, the floor in the fetal position, several pacie replacements and then at 5:30 -a white flag of surrender as I gave up and got going for the day. It has -no joke here- been a good year since I slept an uninterrupted night and I am starting to really feel the effects!

Sigh.

Heaven help the sleep deprived, amen.

Whew, so now you'll understand if I am not coherent.

4th of July
We had a FAB-UL-OUS Fourth! Loved it! We played all day and in the evening we enjoyed a spectacular fireworks show put on by our very own real life Uncle Sam and our very own real life Grandpa. It was so fun and involved zero crowds and zero parking lots. Just some lawn chairs in the back yard.

Jenny
Jenny is here. All the way from Georgia. We have been spending the days holding eachothers babies and catching up on the last year. I am convinced that I have done nothing better for my daughters than give them sisters-the more the merrier, you never can have too many sisters you know. Next week we will pack our day bags, buckle our car seats and head to Buck-eye to spend a day swimming, eating and playing with the chickens at our other sisters house. Our combined 11 children will be in cousin heaven. Good stuff I tell you.

And one more thing
Can you for a moment imagine being a perfect human being? Can you imagine never having a bad feeling or a mean thought. Can you imagine what it would feel like to have never made a mistake. Can you imagine what it would feel like to live with someone like that?

Well I can.

Without enough sleep, we all become tall two-year-olds. ~JoJo Jensen, Dirt Farmer Wisdom, 2002

Does this give me permission to throw myself onto the floor of the store today, in a kicking screaming fit? I think it does.

Week 26

2011-07-03T08:19:00.000-07:00

My baby sister is in town.

Finally.

It has been a year.

And it's been 6 months since she called me and told me a beautiful, delicious little secret. 2 pink lines-not 1. Hooray! One more-longed for, prayed for, begged for little gift is coming her way in a few months.

Best Blessing!

Week 26

2011-07-03T07:45:00.000-07:00

I dont even know if I am on the right week at this point but I do know what the best blessing of the last 7 days was.

Freedom.

More Miracles

2011-07-01T09:22:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been tempted to give up blogging. Not writing but blogging. I have a love/hate relationship with blogging. But then just as I am ready to walk away cold turkey-funny, cool, adventurous, tender, miraculous and ridiculous things happen and I feel that I must share. I MUST!

So yesterday the 3 girls and I went grocery shopping. Pity the fool that takes 3 kids grocery shopping in 110 degree weather. I start sweating at the thought. But my 3 girls are fun to be with and I figured we could get things done and have a good time doing it. And we did! No problems at all. Until at which point in time that I had shopped, loaded, listed, pricematched, paid, buckled car seats, loaded, and SPOTTED a stack of groceries, including eggs under Cali's car seat that were STOLEN. As in not paid for.

So I unbuckled-unloaded, traipsed back across the blazing death parking lot, got back in line and paid for the smuggled goods. I handed the bag to Brylee as my arms were full of little girls and before we reached the car...Brylee dropped the whole bag and broke all the eggs.

The End.

On to the next.

I tell you miracles never cease to be around here. The other night I got Ella ready for bed and stuck her deep in the sheets of my bed. (This is the only way on Heavens good earth to get the girl to sleep...let her lay with us in our bed and then if by any luck I am still awake-make the transfer to her Highness's own bed.) And this process can take half a lifetime, if I'm lucky.

So she was deep in my sheets and I walked out to get ready for bed. When I came back she was gone. That means that she has escaped and is off playing somewhere. But when I went in search of my little Darling, I found she had put her self in her own bed-of her own free will no less and was asleep.

Not only that but I traded Ella a $20 dollar toy for all of her pacies. $20! (The girl is almost 4-it is time) I had her tell them all good-bye and that she was too old for them and didn't need them any more and she was thrilled when I swapped her for the new toy. I was expecting this to last an hour maybe 2 but we are at the 24 hour mark now and we have only had one sobbing fit where I had to hold onto my girl, hold onto my heart, choke down my own tears and not give in. And I didn't! And she lived! And she felt proud! And so did I!

MIRACLES ABOUND!

But sometimes they don't. I wanted a miracle when Cali spent 3 months unable to eat sufficiently. I wanted a fix. I was exhausted, miserable, worried, stressed and confused. And I cant imagine what Cali must have been feeling. The thought of that still rips at my heart. But through many doctor visits, much trial and error and a LOT of prayer we have found a solution that has been working now for a solid 3 weeks. I am slowly feeling normalcy start to seep back in. My poor kids are finally enjoying a sane mother and my husband is married once again to a stable woman. But-we didn't come to this point by an instant miracle by any means.

Then yesterday I received a phone call from a girl I have never met. She is a friend of my sister-in-law and has a baby only 2 weeks younger than Cali and a 1 year old. She is 23 and her baby has many of the same symptoms as Cali. We talked for almost 40 minutes and if I could, I would have reached through the phone and hugged her right up, looked her in the eye and promised her relief. I told her everything I have learned over the last 5 months about allergies and reflux and GI scans and insurance and in the end-- I thought I could hear hope in her voice. She was so down that she admitted that her marriage was taking the brunt and she was convinced that they were not cut out for ever adding any more children to the mix of chaos that they are living in. When I hung up I prayed that she would get the answers she needed and I thanked Heaven for letting me learn the lessons I have learned, bit by bit, instead of in one big sweeping miracle. It turns out that learning for ourselves, is sometimes the best miracle of all.

I know that learning to do the right thing even when it means unloading 2 car seats AGAIN, learning to ditch the pacie even when it breaks my heart more than hers and learning to pray, listen, act and work out a solution to a problem and then-- give the answer away to someone else who needs them-Is miraculous.

It really is.

Miracles and Memories

2011-06-28T06:23:00.000-07:00

Our trip to the beach started with a miracle. Always a good way to kick things off.

Saturday morning was frantic. I was going over lists and packing bags and watching the clock like it was my job, so that I could time Cali's feeding just before we loaded our bodies and clicked our seat belts for the long drive to the ocean.

Branson had been tearing the house apart like a robber for 2 hours in search of his new birthday camera. He was determine to get it in his bag before we left for the week and it was nowhere. I was beaded in sweat and aching by 9am when I felt satisfied that we had packed the bazillion things that 7 people apparently need for a week. I shot a look at Branson and he nearly shouted at me,

"Mom, I am not leaving without my camera."

I had my arms full of snacks and bottles and so I just passed by him and said,

"Then Branson you better get to your room and ask Heavenly Father to help you find it cause we are leaving."

In a second his bedroom door clicked shut.

I stepped into the garage to put in one last load and while I packed, I quickly asked Heaven for a miracle. Just a little miracle- not so much about making sure the camera came to the beach but mostly about showing my boy that he is known and loved and watched.

And guess what? In the next moment Branson busted out of his room like it was Christmas morning sporting a wide, victorious smile and holding out his camera.

All 7 of us exploded into excitement and I hugged Branson tight and said,

"I told you, Branson, I told you!"

And I have a thousand times, I've told him that he is loved- that Heaven answers prayers. He has always been my little Doubting Thomas but this time the smile on his handsome face told me he had gotten all the proof he needed.

And with that in our hearts we headed west. Right out of this horrid heat and into the sweet air of the ocean. Alot of the week I felt scattered. My kids disappear when we get to the condo, pairing off with cousins before we even unload the car. The older they get the less I see them. They check in with me to get a layer of sun block or ask if they can go over to the pool but for the most part my 3 big kids spend all week joined hip to hip with a variety of cousins. Getting their own snacks, putting them selves in the shower and falling asleep late after board games and ice-cream.

But despite the scatteredness...every trip to the ocean, ends up handing over a few- perfect, soul- filling moments. Like our afternoon at the harbor where we ate fish and chips and browsed the gift shops and let the old people "ooo and awh" over Cali. And our last night when we walked our jammied kids down the street for dinner and a man on a bike stopped and gawked. Then pulling up next to us he asked,

"Is this all one family?"

Scott answered by saying,

"Yup they're all ours."

Then he could hardly stand himself while he took double takes at the kids and gave several kind compliments like,

"What a gorgeous family!"

and

"You guys have some beautiful kids!"

I stood on the street corner that night taking it all in like a sponge in the sink. I was proud. I was. Proud of my 5 kids and proud that "yes, we are all one family." ( I didn't point out that Kaden and Brylee were barefoot and Ella's hair hadn't been brushed in days.)

There was also a breezy afternoon when I walked down to the edge of the water where Ella was digging up sand crabs, I had Cali wrapped in a blanket sleeping in my arms. Every few minutes I nuzzled my nose into her cheek because it's soft like bread dough that has over risen and I cant help my self. Ella was happy and ran to my side over and over showing me the little creatures she was finding. And there it was-perfection- in a small, warm, breezy moment on the beach with my girls.

Another joyous accomplishment of this trip was a picture that I love of our family...

Yes, I know Scott's eyes are closed but all of the children are smiling and LOOKING at the camera so we'll have to do a little head swapping on that man.

On the way home Scott told me all the details of the book he read on the beach. He read me a quote that he knew I would like....

"I am convinced that the greatest legacy we can leave our children is happy memories: those precious moments so much like pebbles on the beach that are plucked from the white sand and placed in tiny boxes that lay undisturbed on tall shelves until one day they spill out and time repeats itself, with joy and sweet sadness, in the child now an adult."

The Choice~ Og Mandino

"Sweet sadness"- Maybe thats a good way to describe the feeling of a sea side vaction being over or the end of summer or after Christmas or when your kids grow up before you are ready-But for now our jars are restocked with an amazing assortment of new shells, the kids skin has taken on a warm bronzy color, we have another little miracle to add to all the rest and someday when there are big feet -instead of small ones-sitting next to me in the sand and no baby sleeping in my arms- I will have a million happy memories to keep me company.

And so will they.

Week 25

2011-06-26T08:26:00.000-07:00

Seeing this all week and knowing for sure that Heaven loves us.

Best Blessing.

Week 24

2011-06-19T08:29:00.000-07:00

Celebrating Twins!

We made it from this...

To this...

Wow!

By Way of Catching Up

2011-06-15T13:04:00.000-07:00

Here's my catching up effort. Summer has changed things around here and I have become a very neglectful blog owner. I just HAVE to catch up, not for your sake of course but for mine.

Cali-

A few weeks ago I decided that I was NEVER EVER going to say anything EVER again on this here blog about Cali and her eating. My very own blog was cursing me! Every time the girl would start to eat like a normal human I would go and tell all of you (hello all of you, are you out there?) And then like 5 minutes later she would go right back to crying, gaging and screaming -through every feeding.

So I hauled her BACK to the doctor and nearly demanded another solution. We had done an upper GI, we had started her on medicine 2 times a day and STILL she had hardly gained enough weight to sustain life and I was not surprised because she hated eating! I was referred to a GI specialist and told to put her on a formula that costs like ONE Thousand dollars a can. But desperation had settled well into my very soul by then so I spent the money and gave the stuff a try. I am not convinced but I will just say cautiously that things are looking up. So far it has been 7 days since she started the-costs an arm and a kidney formula and in that time she has only had 1 bad feeding. Glory be and peace on earth!

I was thinking last night while Cali laid like an arm full of bread dough in my arms while she ate ( a true joy to behold since she has nearly NEVER done that) anyway I was thinking that I wished I would have just had been given a vison or something months ago about how this would all go down so I could spare the poor baby the suffering. But had I known- I wouldn't have had to have faith, I wouldn't have had to ask, plead and beg for help, I wouldn't have had to seek guidance and comfort and knowledge and capacity and courage. So here we are 4 months later more practiced in faith and more polished in patients. I'll take it. And look...our little breathe of Heaven Above is as sweet as ever.

Cotton Candy-

My kids have been begging like beggars for months to have a cotton candy sale. I finally gave in and we set one up a few weeks ago. The kids did great and worked really hard and after 2 hours of pushing big pink swirls of sugar on the street corner, they had made $60. The week after our sale a family in our ward lost their Mom to cancer so we fired up the cotton candy machine one more time for a fund raiser.

I tell you it was a magical experience for our family. People came out by the hoards and opened their hearts and emptied their wallets into our collection pitcher. When it was all said and done the whole neighborhood was on a sugar high and we had raised a ton of money. My kids could hardly contain themselves as we counted the donations. Scott took them over to make the delivery and when they came back through the door none of them would say a word. The family was so grateful and I am sure this was an experience that my kids will never forget.

Twins-

My little twins done turned nine! I thought I'd never see the day. We celebrated for 4 days straight. Ice skating, museum, dinner and shopping with grandparents. It was great. I could never actually say how much I adore these two growing kids. They are the apple of my eye the love of my life the wind in my sails the sunshine in the morning and the stars in the heavens. No really they are.

My favorite part of the double celebration was Monday night. My parents came over for tacos and birthday cake. my mom made the twins the same exact birthday cake she has been making since the beginning of time. My birthday cakes looked exactly like the one she brought over. Classic. During dinner 2 of the young women rang the door bell, presented the twins with a cluster of Mylar balloons and sang the BEST happy birthday singing telegram in the history of singing telegrams. I nearly cried. After all the guests had left we gathered to the back yard where I tied water balloons as fast as the kids were filling them. Then we proceeded to have a parents verses kids water balloon fight wherein Scott and I annihilated the children.

A happy Birthday indeed!

And that is how my blog got all caught up.

Branson-Birthday letter at 9

2011-06-13T06:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Branson,

I woke up early this morning to write you this letter. The sun is just rising and it's the exact time of day that I first looked down into your eyes and held you close to my heart, nine whole years ago. On that first morning together, I knew that it wasn't so much an introduction as a reunion and I was so thankful that you were mine. I still am.

You are my Branseeboy and I need you like I need air. You are my right hand man. Always there to hold the door or take my bags or kill a bug. What would I ever do with out you? At just nine years old you have already learned to be a better worker than some grown-ups. You can clean out the entire garage all by yourself. You can scrub bathrooms, mop floors, do the dishes and organize drawers and closets. What a great quality it is to now how to work hard and you already have it!

One word that comes to my mind when I think of you is Chivalry. I looked up the definition of that word and it said;

"the sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms."

What a perfect way to describe you Branson! You do posses "the sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight!" But I would also add-thoughtfulness, integrity, protector and striking good looks.

I have truly never seen a little boy be so good at taking care of a baby sister. Branson, our little Ella thinks you hung the moon. You know how to get her cup, find her blankey, buckle her car seat and she loves to snuggle up on your shoulder for a movie at bed time. I think you came to our family as a big brother and a twin to sisters for a reason, you are their chivalrous knight in shining armor and they love you.

Latley you have been growing up a lot. I like to watch you at gymnastics when I get to see your strong arms and athletic build. You have always been a fantastic climber and you are so good at taking things apart and putting them back together gain. (See, "dexterity in arms!") I hope you will always use your healthy body to do good in the world and help others.

You are always good at being aware of the needs of our family. In the afternoon I often hear you gently remind Ella to be quiet so that Cali wont wake up. I also appreciate that whenever you get a snack or a drink you are very careful to not leave any mess behind.

Branson my heart pounds like a drum when I look at you or lay next to you at night and think about how privileged I am to be your Mom. I don't know what I ever did to deserve a boy like you. Now matter how big and strong and handsome you get you will always, always be my Branseeboy.

I love you more than ever, I love you more than life and breath, I love you forever and always.

Happy Birthday my sweet boy!

Love, Mom.

Week 23

2011-06-12T08:34:00.000-07:00

Finally-Food that cali can eat!

Brylee-Birthday letter at 9

2011-06-12T05:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Brylee,

Tomorrow you will be nine years old and I am once again stunned by the speed of time. You are just growing up so fast. I am so thankful for the day, 9 years ago, that you became mine. Although, I am sure we belonged to eachother long before that. I wanted a daughter so very much and when you came along and the doctor lifted your tiny warm body onto my chest, I felt a love for you that was nothing short of divine and eternal. Thank-you for coming to me. I love being your Mom.

You teach me more about goodness every day. When you were just big enough to fit in the crook of my arm or the crest of my neck you taught me that even the smallest little person can have patients. From your very first days of life you were good at being second to eat, second to bathe and second to be held...in a small way you were already putting others before yourself-and you still do. You have always had that very special Christ-like quality of selflessness. Just yesterday after receiving a gift from your cousin you immediately ran to Ella and showed her the shiny new bag full of make-up and polish. You happily told Ella that this gift was hers too and when your lucky little sister went to bed last night-her arm was wrapped tightly around your gift. You were born to be a big sister and you are so good at it.

You amaze me with your ability to be a good friend. I went to your classroom a few weeks ago and got to see for myself how much ALL your classmates love you. (even the boys). You have a gift for making others feel loved and included. I have truly never seen you be unkind.

When you were little it took you 17 months to learn how to walk. Even your doctor was a little bit concerned. Now you are strong and athletic. You can run and swim super fast and you are good at everything you try. Not only have you been blessed with a beautiful "inside" you have also been blessed with a beautiful outside. I just love your stunning blue eyes and your happy smile.

Brylee, thank-you for being mine. Thank-you for making life so joyful and fun. On that Thursday morning 9 years ago, I thought I was as full of love for you as I could ever be, but somehow I have loved you more and more everyday since and someday when there is a warm little heart beating rapidly against yours, you will know just how much that is.

You are more precious than gold.

Happy Birthday Brybry.

I love you.

Mom

Week 20

2011-06-05T13:15:00.000-07:00

I was so tired one night this past week when Branson asked me if I would play a game with him. I just shrugged and told him that I still had chores I had to do before I could. Then I went about putting babies to bed and picking up and then I came around the corner into the kitchen and saw him doing the dishes. I took his picture with out the flash so he wouldn't notice me. I watched his little tongue curl in and out of his mouth in concentration and I loved him-oh so much. Dishes done by a thoughtful 8 year old-best blessing.

Week 22

2011-06-05T08:37:00.000-07:00

They're all mine again!

Sweet & Sleepless

2011-06-03T08:19:00.001-07:00

Last night all the kids were tucked by 9:30. 9:30! I was excited because this meant that I could get a few good hours of sleep in before Cali would be up for a feeding. Heck- I even stayed up and watched a half hour of HGTV! Party Animal!

Half way through my show my stomach started hurting and by the end of it, I was curled up in a ball and squinting my eyes waiting for this weird stupid pain to abandon its invasion of my body. I need better boarder security.

Anyway just about the time I had rid myself of the invasion, I saw a light go on in the house. I got up to find Ella half naked in the bathroom. I helped her finish but by this time she was UP-so she insisted on MOMS BED.

Fine whatever.

So I stuffed her in the middle part and finally drifted off. And guess what happened 2 minutes later?

Whaaaaaaa

And then for the next 3 hours my poor baby cried and slept in short 5 minute intervals. It was awful. Just as she started to relax and sleep she would start to fidget around again and them move into full on screaming. At 3:14am I thought she was asleep enough to lay her down so I gently transferred her into the crib and crawled my exhausted self into bed. At 3:41...

Whaaaaaaaa

I jumped up and pulled my slightly too warm baby out of her bed. She definitely had a fever so I started the rocking, bouncing, patting pattern again and after an hour I was losing it. I had been mumbling pathetic little prayers all through the night of the ..."please help this baby to sleep" type. But at this point I had surrendered and I felt myself pray for the stamina and capacity to care for my little earth angel and to face the day with the others in a few short hours.

In the very next heartbeat I felt a shift in my spirit. I felt lifted up and sustained. I felt an increase in love for the little soul in my arms and I felt sure that I could do whatever necessary to bring her comfort. I looked over at the clock and saw the date. June 3, 2011 and then I squeezed my whimpering baby in closer and kissed her hot cheek. It was June 3, 2010 that I saw 2 pink lines appear on my home pregnancy test.

I turned Cali upright in my arms and put my lips close to her ear so that she could feel me hum lullabies about rainbows and temples and forever families. Her little hand sprawled out on my cheek, the other one wrapped around my arm. It wasn't long until her body softened and she melted down onto my chest.

Over the next hour I watched the sun start to slip through my window above the rocker...Sleep was never more overrated.

Full House

2011-05-31T15:16:00.000-07:00

Today my house is FULL of children. Some are mine, some are not. Just the way I like it. We are coming off of a great weekend. My brother got married, my kids stayed one night at Grandmas house, we had a Memorial Day get together where Scotts Grandma provided the kids with some old fashion fun like a marching parade, marshmallow race and egg toss, and we rearranged the house to better accommodate our littlest member. And because remember my house is FULL of children.

Poor thing has been in a small bassinet in the corner of my very small closet. It was time for an up grade. Monday morning I lost it a bit and went CRAZY with the screw driver until I had partially dismantled the girls bunks. Then I called my muscles to the the room (Scott) and made him move them into the boys room. Now there is no "boys room" and no "girls room". There is a kid room and a baby room. And that kids room is FULL- but its doable.

What do you think?

Now Cali can nap and sleep in a quiet space and I can be less tired.

Right? Good.

I am super happy with how it is working out so far but even more happy about that part in the first paragraph where I mentioned that our kids (the 4 bigger ones) spent Friday night at Grandmas house. It has been so long since Scott and I have had a moment alone (well mostly alone...when you have 5 kids having only 1 very small one around feels like you are pretty much alone) but anyways it has been way WAY too long and it was nice to have some time to remember each others names.

Now our house is FULL of kids again and we are letting summer and all it's glory sink in -with friends and a blow up pool and a little baby that I swear is made of butter and sugar and pinch of doughnut.

Life is good when your house is FULL....wouldn't you say?

Week 19

2011-05-29T13:11:00.000-07:00

24 hours with Scott-best blessing

Week 21

2011-05-29T08:43:00.000-07:00

Big Brothers.

Let it be Summer

2011-05-27T13:02:00.000-07:00

In a few hours I will go up to the school, take pictures, hand out thank-yous, collect miscellaneous papers and reclaim my children.

AT LAST!

Yesterday we accidentally pretended that it was summer already and we stayed out late. And then for the first time all school year long, I slept in past the GET UP time and we had to really push it to be on time. But when I say "slept in" what I meant was that I was up with two little girls multiple times through the long duration of the night and so take if for whatever "slept in" means these days. And while I am on that subject I will say that I have a dear man who is good at loving on a certain misplaced, clingy, maybe slightly demanding 3 year old, even if it is the middle of the night and even if she is on her 4th awakening. We think she has a scratchy throat and she kept crying out for drinks, I would ignore the crys hoping that with any luck she would just lay back down but Scott would sit up, get the water and then I could hear him say, "good job" each time after Ella took several big gulps.

And I say "good job" to myself on the husband picking. Yes Good Job for sure.

So back to summer. Summer is quite possibly my favorite time of the year. A twin birthday, beach trips, pool days, lazy days and best of all together days....which sometimes-lets be honest here-turn into fight with your brother all day...days. But that's ok, its part of growing up and lucky for me my kids get along-most of the time. And when they don't I just get out the whip.

(insert evil cackle)...HA-BWAAA!

Yeah right the only whip around here is whip cream and me whip (ING) the kids at tether. Which brings me back around to summer again. We kicked it off Monday night with dinner on the picnic table and then merged nicely into tether play. In case you were wondering (of course you were wondering!) Yes I am still UN-DE-FE-AT-ED!

Dear Kids,

Congratulations on finishing another year of school. I could not be prouder of you all. But not so much for passing 2nd grade and 5th grade (Really-Isn't that a given for Pete's sake) But mostly for being awesome kids that are KIND, HONEST, and GOOD. You have a very lucky Mom. Now get your bums home! It's Summer!

(Ella as a Graduate...Graduate my big toe! She's 3!)

(Cali being super cute)

(Cali having a little snack)

Happy Summer!

A Story About my Boy

2011-05-23T12:14:00.000-07:00

Do you remember last fall? All my post about drowning and struggling and praying and crying over this handsome boy?

Remember?

Well I do. He was struggling. He didn't like anything about himself and he took his heartaches out on me. Not a single day would pass us by without some sort of angry display of some kind or another, attacking us without warning. Sometimes- so angry and so scary, I thought I'd never know my tender sweat hearted little man again. I spent most mornings, after dropping him at school sobbing into my pillow for help.

I learned a lot last fall. I learned to pay attention to even the smallest cues from my children. I learned to say "yes" when they ask me to lay by them at bedtime, even when I have 100 things to still get to before I can sleep. I learned that most of the time, when my kids don't act their best its because I haven't either. I learned to have more patients, to prioritize better and see them more clearly...you know... with more love, the way Heaven sees them. But most of all I learned more about my Savior and I learned that He can heal every kind of everything. He already has, we just have to ask and work and pray for it. He can undo my parenting mistakes and He can mend up broken hearts and broken self esteem.

My goodness how I love Him for it.

The other night I had spent a good amount of time getting Cali down to bed. Sometimes when I am tucked away in the back bedroom for a while, all kinds of chaos and mess greet me when I emerge. I came out to find the house quiet and clean and all 4 big kids sound asleep on the couch. Branson and Ella were all snuggled together in the corner. Her little hand resting on his chest. His growing shoulder supporting her head. And this little gift, you know the kind you love as a Mom, the kind that makes all the hard stuff worth it-in one heartbeat-is not unusual. Branson has a knack for taking care of Ella, he has a knack for goodness and chivalry and thoughtfulness.

And he has Me-heart and soul.

Week 19

2011-05-22T08:36:00.000-07:00

(The twins and their friends at their class pool party)

At the beggining of the school year I was talking to a Mom whose kids had had the same teacher that the twins were going to have. She talked so highly of him and then she said,

"enjoy the magic."

On Friday night we attended the twins class party. Swimming and BBQ and treats and friends. At the end of the party we watched a slideshow of pictures their teacher had taken throughout the year. During the video I kept looking for some resemlance of an "actual" school year. It all just looked like magic to me. Magic preformed by a teacher who has a gift for turning regular school days into a fun, joyful experience for 28 2nd graders. I send the twins to school everyday confident that they are loved and praised and that that they are learning. And that is one very HUGE blessing for a Mom who doesnt always enjoy lending her kids out to the big world. We have definatly "enjoyed the magic" and whats better than having the best teacher in the world you ask? It's having him twice. Next year the magic moves to 3rd grade right along with the twins. Hooray!

1 and 1 make 2

2011-05-20T11:56:00.000-07:00

This morning I was knee deep in unfolded laundry in my bedroom when the baby started to whimper. I left my whites and darks and headed for the crib. Babies are way more fun that whites and darks. WAY.

I ended up in my widow side rocker making faces, blowing into her soft belly and singing one of my favorite lullaby's from Charlotte's Web...

I used to think the sum of one and one was two, but we add up to more me and you...

Then we were joined by Ella who almost always prefers a resounding chorus of Twinkle Star. So I adjusted in the rocker to make room for 3 and Twinkle Star it was. When Ella started adding in boisterous concert commands like,

"One More Time!"

and

"Even Louder!"

I laughed. And laughed and laughed until hysterical tears were soaking my cheeks. Then at that very moment I realized that despite the knee deep laundry, I have one very cool life.

Not that I think anyone but me really cares but here is my latest Shutterfly book. I get all lumpy in my throat when I look at it...you on the other hand will not.

Click here to view this photo book larger

Baby and other Drugs

2011-05-19T08:08:00.000-07:00

Scott is off with the big 4 on a late (school night no less!) run to DQ. I love that man. I love late school night runs to DQ. It has been less than a week since Cali Babe started her tummy medicine and my life has become at once manageable. Feeding my baby has become a steady predictable joy and let me tell you- that has been a life changing change.

Oh yes it has!

And now that the stress of frantically kicking legs and gasping choking sucks has passed, I can more fully take her in and boy howdy do I ever! She is like drugs. I wouldn't actually know but I can inhale her and feel like I have left this world all together so I imagine that it is -indeed- like drugs. And I am an addict.

No rehab required.

We are now on the countdown to summer break. Can I get a Hallelujah? Today Kaden came home from school, helped Branson saw down our old kitchen chairs into swords and other such weapons (that they plan to sell, get your $ ready folks) and then he came in the house plopped on the couch and slept for 3 straight hours. He's done people and so am I. Done signing planners, checking homework, driving the road to school, packing lunches and mostly for heavens sake I am DONE with the ever lovin SPELLING LISTS! DONE.

Summer break means....no more socks in my laundry the smell of sunblock on their shoulders and cheeks, help with Ella and the company I love most home all day.

(OH Don't you worry there will be fights and "I HAVE NOTHING TO DO MAWM!!" moments and tons and tons of messes)

But there will also be the beach and the movies and the lake and the hose and the pool and sleeping in and staying up and cousins and friends.

Tomorrow I will be spinning cotton candy for the twins class and attending Ella's pre-school program and doing more of the same sort of end of the school yearish duties for the next week and a half. Duty calls and I will be there to meet the needs of these 5 small hearts in my home. But another summer just means another school year and that brings a new thing for us...middle school. (gulp) It's just another horrifying step away from childhood for Kaden and I will have to swallow hard and take it like a man when it comes. So when summer is over and I am back packing lunches and quizzing for spelling and feeding the baby and folding socks and doing all the other things that my kids need me to do I will happily and gratefully do them because I think we all know who needs who more around here.

(Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go inhale another hit of Baby)

Sweet is the Work

2011-05-16T13:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I just need to write. Sometimes, I just need to write how very much I love my job, how very much I love my 5 children and how very much I like being their Mom.

Just the other week Cali Baby had been up about every hour and 1/2 all through the night and I was up with her of course because I take the day shift as well as the night shift at my job. At about 5am I was sleeping in the crook of Scotts shoulder when small little squeaks started to drift from the crib into my ear. I slithered out of bed and gathered up our new little sister and brought her back to join me on Scotts shoulder.

Upon arriving there, I whispered all sorts of love into Cali's tiny ear, all about how I missed her before she came to us and all about how I missed her since I had seen her last. Scott pried open his sleepy eyes, looked at me sideways and said,

"I though you said she was up most the night?"

Yes, SWEETHEART, I know THAT but I missed her for that one hour that she slept in her own bed with out me.

And I did.

And this past weekend I enjoyed very much all the hours that we spent up in the mountains getting dirty together.

It took some serious work to get us there. It took me forever to pack and shop and load and unload and set up and take down and clean up and all the rest....

But I so enjoyed watching the kids play with cousins, I so enjoyed bathing dirty faces and making turkey sandwiches and sleeping all bundled together. I enjoyed driving home Sunday evening squished between 2 car seats and even today when I did the most disgusting loads of wash you ever saw, I enjoyed remembering our fun time.

I know the economy is slow and people are out of work.

But I am SO THANKFUL- that I am not.

Week 18

2011-05-15T08:34:00.000-07:00

When I got up on Mothers Day morning, this was on my door,

Being celebrated by the ones who gave me Motherhood was the best blessing of the week.

Birthday

2011-05-11T21:14:00.000-07:00

Oh I am tired. Unbelievably tired. Haven't really slept in months tired. Bones aching, head pounding, eyes burning tired. I should be sleeping.

But since my 3 year old thinks sleeping is entirely unnecessary, I am here. Lucky you.

Today is my birthday.

And if you ask me what I want for my big day, I would say that I want sleep. I am well practiced in sleep deprivation...twins remember? But every time it comes aknockin, I am reminded how horrible it is. But just to prove my craziness, I will say that I actually LOVE middle of the night dates with my babe. I love to meet up with her in the rocker or the bed, when the rest of my house is still. I tell her all my secrets and I make her promise to STOP growing up so fast. 3 months people! 3 MONTHS!

Believe it or not some of my best sleep happens when I have a baby on my chest. It's true. When we first moved here 11 years ago, I would put Kaden in his crib and then go to my bed and try to sleep. After trying to sleep for an hour or so with no success I would go and retrieve my boy, perch him on my chest and BOOM, sleep.

His crib got very little use. Cali's has seen nearly none.

Anyway, the reason I can wish for sleep on my birthday is because I already have everything I have ever wanted.

It's true.

So today was just a bonus because I also got to go shopping with my Mom who likes my kids and tells me that I am good at being their Mother. Plus, I had lunch with my Mother- in-law who passed her tender and loving nature onto her son and then gave him to me.

I may be a tired girl but I am a lucky girl.

Happy Birthday to me and good night. (No really please-a good night, is that to much to ask?)

Quiters need not Apply

2011-05-10T09:14:00.000-07:00

My mind (and life) are a jumbled mess of issues. I am so looking forward to summer and the chance to pull my family back together and regroup. And now for the issues (and the blessings)... if you dare.

Last Sunday night Brylee was hit in the mouth by a swinging bat. It was an accident but it was bloody and scary and sad. We thought she may need a visit to urgent care but decided to just tape her up and wait it out. She was so swollen she could hardly eat or talk, I kept her home from school for a day and by Wednesday she was healing nicely. I have told her at least a dozen times that I am certain she was being protected that night, this could have been much much worse but now just a week later, she is as good as new.

Cali has steadily regressed again with her eating. The gasping, crying, kicking, fussing has resumed at almost every feeding, with both the bottle and nursing. I finally couldn't take it any longer and scheduled an upper GI scan for her. We are now waiting on a prescription that will HOPEFULLY help my poor little Earth Angel to eat with out pain.

Kaden is also having some growing pains, so much that last night he fell asleep snuggled up to me in my bed with his hand laced into mine. I am finding that he is rapidly and permanently leaving the days when I could ease his problems and heartaches with a Popsicle or a quick game of Silly 6 Pins. While I listened to his breaths grow heavy and slow last night, I prayed that he will know that he is ALWAYS safe with me and I thanked Heaven for the day he was born... the very best day of my life.

A few days ago Branson caught 2 baby birds that couldn't fly. He made them a bed, gave them bird seed and dripped water into their mouths with a medicine dropper. (there is more to this story for another time) While he was caring for them, 2 big birds kept swooping down at him. He would give the babies a drop of water then quickly look back up to check for the "Mom and Dad".

He came in later and said,

"Mom, that Mom bird just keeps trying to get me, she thinks I am hurting them."

I replied,

"I know Brance, that's because Moms don't ever give up on their babies."

That's what we do right? Keep plugging away. Keep trying, keep loving, keep getting up in the night, keep bandaging, keep making doctor visits, keep bathing, keep cleaning and praying and feeding and working and dressing and washing and kissing and reading and- lacing our hands into theirs. Because, Moms really don't give up. Ever.

(Not even when we look like Bird Flu on Mothers Day morning....)

Week 17

2011-05-08T08:40:00.000-07:00

This...

My oldest baby and my youngest baby loving eachother...best blessing.

Cali Update

2011-05-02T06:53:00.000-07:00

First of all thank-you to everyone who left comments, called me up, hugged me in the hall way at church and gave nursing advice. I needed all of it. One thing I know about myself is that I was blessed with a heart that loves hard, the price I pay for that- is that I also hurt hard too. I guess some people would laugh at a girl who spent the last 2 weeks sobbing her heart out about breastfeeding, of all things, but for me I knew it was necessary. And to tell you the truth, I am still trying (and hoping) that things will work out -but the more practical side of me says otherwise.

Through this little struggle, I keep trying to figure out what it is I am supposed to learn from this, you know... why did this not work out for me this time?

Last week I sat across the living room from my friend. The dog she has loved for more than a decade had to be put down last week. She teared up rehearsing me the story and I teared up listening. And remember----I am NOT a pet person------AT ALL. I don't get the desire to have a dog or any animal for that matter slobbering all over your feet, rubbing hair off on to your furniture and pooping in your yard.

But what I do get is loss. And any loss, for anyone is painful. Loss of a loved one-obviously, loss of a pet, loss of nursing your baby, loss of fertility, loss of money, loss of a pregnancy, loss of a house or a business, loss of health, loss of memories.

So, one lesson that I learned sitting on my friends couch was that someone out there may think it is silly to grieve and mourn over nursing and someone else may think that it is silly to grieve and mourn over an animal but everybody has lost some thing or someone and ALL loss comes with a sting. And now, I have more compassion.

I will be a better Mom, a better friend a better wife and better person. I will understand more, when someone is hurting even if it is over a pet or a lost -2 dollar piece of junk toy that my kids think is treasure.

Because to them it is.

And in the mean time...Cali is gaining weight, she is sleeping better at night and I love her more than ever. She still needs me. She still wants me. She still falls asleep on my chest, all molded around me like clay. I still nuzzle my nose into the soft folds of her neck and she still cant help but smile up at me when we rock. I am certain that our spirits have known eachother for a long time, we are bound and mixed together and connected and intertwined and all tangled up in eachother....just the way we should be.

And nothing can change that or take that away.

Week 17

2011-05-01T05:48:00.000-07:00

Easter was perfect. I love Easter. I love Sunday clothes and pretty baskets and I love My Savior. This past year has increased that love. I learned, through some hard things, that Jesus Christ and His Atonement are much more far reaching than I had known before. I have more trust in Him now, I know Him better, I love Him deeper. It's because of Him that joy exists. It's because of Him that I get to feel that sort of heart pounding, soul filling love that overwhelms me and takes my breath when I hold Cali close and realize where she just came from and that she is actually-really-mine. We belong to eachother -forever. I cant remember ever not loving Jesus Christ, I cant remember ever not believing that He is real, I cant remember a time that I haven't known He loves me but now, I am certain. My very best blessings wouldn't be possible without Him, everything else good, would go away. My best blessing of this week was Easter morning when I gathered my 5 kids close to me on the couch and told them these same things. I told them through happy tears how real their Savior is and how very much He loves them and I told them about everything He has done for them and I could tell... that they already knew.

Heaven was not far.

Wife of the Year?

2011-04-28T08:56:00.000-07:00

I have 2 ongoing sagas happening in my life. One is of the breastfeeding type and one is of the tether ball type.

Lets go with the tether ball type.

So Wednesday nights are the ONLY night of the whole week these days that everyone is home by 6:30. I had BIG plans. The first involved having dinner together. I made turkey burgers and fruit salad. It was delish but the together part didn't work out as well as I had hoped, but that's another post.

So the evening weather around here is nothing short of perfect and I have been meaning to take pictures of Cali in her blessing dress. With Scott home to be of assistance, last night was my chance.

Check HER out....

Be still my heart. (Dear Little Love, where have you been all my life? How did I ever get along with out you?)

Anyway.

While I was taking pics of the babe KAden was warming up the tether ball and waiting (very impatiently) for me to verse him. (Do you love the word "verse" as much as I do?)

So in pretty short order I had retained my UNDEFEATED status by skunkin Kaden. Then I said to Scott who was jumping on the trampoline with the girls,

"Scott, you HAVE to play me in this, it's so fun you'll love it."

And thus commenced a 30 minute epic tether BATTLE. This was no ordinary tether game, oh no. This here game of tether was THE most intense thing I have done since giving birth! We were both dripping huge drops of sweat, we were both in it for the win, the kids had picked sides, (mostly mine thank-you very much). They were like what Mickey was to Rocky in the movie, cheering us on, giving us pointers and even bringing out ice water when I thought I couldn't go on any longer. The only thing they were missing was the mouth piece and some Vaseline for our ropie burns.

In the end I came out victorious but I am still not sure if it was only because Scott was so sweaty and so tired that he decided to throw in the towel or if he was over powered by love and couldn't bare to see me gasping for air, dripping sweat and going hoarse from exhaustion any longer.

Either way it was the most fun I have had in weeks. This morning when Scott was leaving for work I asked him if he was sore. He said that his shoulder was and that he thought he'd even be more sore tomorrow.

I can guarantee he will. Could there be anything more romantic than getting beat by your wife in tether? I submit there is not!

Is there a wife of the year award?

P.S. To brothers Josh, Jed and Jaren: Please join me for a tether tourney at my house at your earliest convenience, I'll provide the turkey burgers but you should provide yourself with a "Mickey"..... you'll need one.

Mother of the Year -No Really! Edition

2011-04-26T09:05:00.000-07:00

You know how I write an occasional "Mother of the Year" post? The posts where I confess some good example of bad/sneaky/incorrect/pathetic Mothering on my part. Well this "Mother of the Year" post may ACTUALLY qualify me for the title in 2011.

Our kids got a back yard tether ball pole for Christmas and they play the game at any chance they get, at school and at home. Not only that but almost every afternoon a small flock of neighborhood kids come over, pulled in by the allure of a good old fashion game of tether.

Well, lately in the lonely hours of the day and evening that Scott is away, I have been joining in the tether ball play with my kids. They call in "versing". Like as in, "Hey Mom wanna verse me in tether?" Do I ever! I was a tether champion in my day, out on the balding grass fields of Edison El. I could play me some mean tether, my waist length brown hair flapping around with every smack of the yellow ball.

So ever since I started versing my children, I am undefeated. That's right-UN-DE-FEATED! Even Kaden is no match for my mad skills. So yesterday I was mindin my own darn business, pealing the dinner potatoes at the kitchen sink, when I heard this little conversation from the yard.

Branson: Look (insert neighbor kids name) I know you can beat me every time we play but MY MOM can beat you.

NK: No she cant

Branson: YES she can, she even beats Kaden.

NK: I would never lose to a girl.

Branson: Yes huh, my Mom can beat you.

NK: No she cant.

Branson: I will get her to verse you and then you will see. She played at her school when she was my age.

Then Branson burst through the back door, nearly yelling at me,

"MOM, I really need you to come out side and verse NK."

ME: No way, I am not going to verse NK.

Branson: You HAVE to, he says he can beat you , but I KNOW he cant!

Me: Branson, I have to peal the potatoes. (Trying to be mature and resist the HUGE temptation of going out there and kickin some tether trash in order to defend the honor of all Mothers!)

Branson: Please!! Mom, just one game!

ME: Fine, go get my shoes.

Do you know the rest of the story? Do You? I let NK serve, it was the least I could do. From behind me I could hear the chants of,

"Go Mom, go Mom" and even more fueling, "Go Sister Heywood." Which came generously and respectfully, I might add, from the other NK's in attendance.

NK was better than I thought. I mean really, the kid spends every precious moment of recess polishing up his tether skills. Furthermore NK had on a snow glove, A SNOW GLOVE! Which I would have said was cheating,( cuz it is,) but I figured he needed all the help he could get. There were a few tense moments, a few times when little NK was wailing the ball round and around the pole. I decided it was time to get serious so I went for the kill. I made it quick to spare NK any prolonged humiliation, after all- I AM A GIRL.

I won fair and square. And NK was no worse for the ware, he even waved at me while he peddled madly to school this morning. Upon the victory Branson yelled out,

" I told you!"

And then he gave me a high five and a little grin as I strolled all cool and collectedly, back to my sink and my potatoes.

Mother of the Year?

With out a doubt!

Week 16

2011-04-24T09:38:00.000-07:00

Can the best blessing from a week be a thing? I have decided that it can. Every week since Cali was born has been challenging- in the feeding department, but none as challenging (or as heartbreaking) as this one. My poor baby. My poor body. My poor heart. All of us have suffered but if it weren't for this little life saving gadget, filled with amazing modern technology, I would have been far worse off. I am unfortunately prone to mastitis. I learned very young (20) with my first baby that it is a nasty, horrible sickness that will stop you dead in your tracks. 11 and 1/2 years ago I invested in this pump after my first experience with mastitis. This whole nursing struggle with Cali would have literally led to my death had I been a pioneer woman out on the plains. I cant imagine some of the suffering that must have accompanied those poor women through pregnancy, childbirth and nursing. My best blessing this week was having access to my pump, not only has it help me fend off infection but it also lets me let go of nursing at my pace. Thank-you Madela!

Mother Hurts

2011-04-21T09:21:00.000-07:00

(nursing in the shade-week 3)

My first night home with Cali was her 5th night of life. I felt like death. With every new baby that has come, I spend the 5th day in agony. My milk comes in with avengance and I pay a price. The baby was sleeping and I was laying flat on my back in the middle of my bedroom floor, in the pitch black. I was sobbing. I had 2 ice packs tucked in my shirt and I was begging out loud for relief. I spent the next 2 weeks recovering from a bad infection.

"It's worth it", I kept telling my self. "You can do this, hang in there." And I did. I survived that 5th night. I survived the infection and Cali and I...we were on our way.

So I thought.

The next four weeks Cali seemed to be nursing fine, although briefly at each feeding. I was struggling to regulate but was more than willing to be patient while we worked out the feeding bugs. I never offered Cali a bottle, I just assumed it would get better and that time was the magic ingredient.

I was wrong.

From week 4 to week 10 each and every feeding has been difficult. It starts with just sheer screaming, that leads to gasping, then gagging, more screaming, a little calming, a few sucks, more gasping, me standing-bouncing, coaxing, begging, a few more sucks. By now Cali would be sweating and exhausted and I would be desperate. Occasionally Cali would never calm down enough to get in -any good swallows. Occasionally she would calm down sooner and end up having a decent feed. I just never knew what I 'd get. Nursing in public became impossible because I could not be discrete with a flailing screaming baby under my cover. Sometimes there would be a few days where Cali did better and I would think we had passed the hard parts. But always, we'd regress again and the screaming at every feeding resumed. This pattern has left me here at week 11, STILL not regulated. But, I kept promising myself that, "it was worth it, hang in there, you nursed TWINS for heavens sake, you can MAKE this work".

Two nights ago, I was on my own for dinner and bed time like usual. (Scott is often gone with Kaden at baseball or at the church.) The other kids needed me and I had spent 20 minutes with my screaming baby trying so desperately to get her to eat. The twins were coming in and out of the room, needing help with homework and sick of keeping Ella entertained for me. My arms and back ached and Cali and I were both wet with unswollowed milk. I set her down, headed for the kitchen and made a bottle.

15 minutes later Cali had eaten 4 ounces and was sleeping deeply. I was stunned.

"So now what?", I thought. "I could pump bottles." Um yes, spend 20 minutes warming the bottle in warm water, 15 feeding the bottle and then another 20 pumping the next. Packing the pump whenever I leave, cleaning the parts daily, dating and tracking the milk.....Maybe with a 1st but certainly not a 5th. I could pump just to keep my milk in and try to nurse occasionally hoping that she will come around and magically start nursing like a pro. Or- I can grieve whats not to be and move on.

But tell my heart that.

Tell my devotion that.

Tell the sobbing lump in my throat that.

I am not so irrational to think that bottle fed babies love their mothers less, that they are destine to be less smart or less able or less HUMAN- as the Internet nursing sights would lead you to believe.

But it still hurts me. I am so, so sad. SO SAD.

I am not a stranger to the truth of the fact that being a Mother hurts. Just to get these babies here is a practice in pain. I have taken the sickness, the sleep loss, the stretching, the figure altering, the bleeding, the swelling, the 5th night of agony and welcomed all of it and counted it my very life's privilege- in exchange for the warm, rapidly beating hearts and soft-fresh new lives that I call mine.

But letting go, is to me- by far the hardest pain to bare. Letting go of babyhood when it passes too quickly, letting go on the first day of kindergarten, letting go and watching them make a wrong choice, letting go when my boys leave for their missions and my girls marry off and with Cali, letting go of the dream of quiet-peaceful-bond forming-nursing-far, far before I am ready.

Today I am heart sick. Tomorrow I will be too. But then it might start to hurt a little less and eventually we will move on entirly. I wont be looking at her when she is 11 and think..."oh how sad, she didnt nurse." But for today and tonight and tomorrow...that is exactly what I will feel. I love her heart and soul...nursing or not.

Live on Handstands!

2011-04-20T08:25:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time Scott and I were in excellent shape.....

2009 Rim to Rim

2006 SaltLake Marathon

Now we are shapeless, hopeless blobs. Neither one of us CAN afford to sacrifice one single minute of sleep time, to devote to the cause of being in shape. Furthermore, neither one of us WANTS to sacrifice one single minute of scarce (and might I add sacred) family time to the cause.

Our only glimmer of hope has been our family outings to the local high school. Scott and Kaden run one mile, do push-ups, sit-ups and pull-ups and I TRY to get in a few laps, a few bleachers and a few whatevers, inbetween....

The twin against twin hand stand contest.....

The cute as all get out baby....

The-has severe separation anxiety toddler.

No kidding- every time I took off to run a lap this was what followed me. This same face follows me to the bathroom, to take the trash out and to anywhere that is not in her eye shot.

Then Branson took this one confirming that I am indeed every bit as chubby as I feel....

And at last, after I had conquered running a few sets of bleachers (hence the sweaty armpits) I challenged Scott to a handstand contest of our own...

Who knew 13 years ago, when we first started having these handstand contests, that we'd still be having them all these years and ALL these children later....

(1998)

Back then we were younger, skinnier and far less tired but the handstand contest lives!

And hopefully these family nights down at the field will too because latley, they have been the highlight of my foggy, exhausted, chubby, sleep deprived, WONDERFUL life!

Week 15

2011-04-17T05:50:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday Cali was blessed. It was beautiful....her dress, the weather, Scotts tender words, all of it. It was one of those warm, happy days that seem to move into a small corner of my heart and set up permanent residence-making me a better, more thankful person.

I got up early so that everything would be finished in time to get to the church without the usual flurry of last minute details. My Mom came over and just before it was time to go we slipped Cali's tiny body into her new white dress, my Mom tied the bow-she's an expert.

We sat close to the front and the kids nestled in with their cousins. I held it together just fine until Scott said Cali's full name. Cali Joyce Heywood. And it was then that I just knew. I knew that she was there. I felt my Grandma telling me, that she knows my sweet little baby and that she loves her. I felt certain that my little Cali is just as connected to this Grandma as I am. Not just because she has her name but because families are forever. I felt sure that temple covenants and priesthood power are real and that because of a loving Savior the day will come that I will get to see Grandma Joyce again.

Scott gave a perfectly fitting blessing and I could feel the love he has for this new girl in his voice. I was so thankful for the priesthood that he holds and for the hands of our Dads, my Grandpa and 7 of our brothers that participated in the blessing. I was grateful to be able to share my testimony with my parents and my kids. My dad once told me that if you smile while you talk you can hold off the tears. So I smiled big and when I saw that Brylee was smiling right back I was able to share what I knew, despite the lump of emotion that was in my throat.

Later we ate together at Grandma and Grandpa Heywoods house and enjoyed visiting and snapping pictures late into the evening. Most days of life are just ordinary and routine but every now and then we get to have a special day. Birthdays, holidays, reunions, vacations, ordinations, missionary homecomings, weddings, baptisms and blessings. I love these days, somehow they make all the other days better and happier and this day, April 10, 2011, Cali's blessing day, was the best blessing of the week.

Never Change

2011-04-14T09:19:00.000-07:00

Oh how I should be cleaning up my house. The baby is sleeping, the big kids are at school, Ella is at pre-school and here I am needing to write- when I should be doing the dishes. My priorities are ALL messed.

But anyway.

One of my favorite things about Brylee is here crafts. Every year for Christmas Scott and I give our big girl a huge box of colored paper and an assortment of markers, glue, tape, pens, glitter, paint...enough to last her the year. The girl is very busy making all kinds of books, cards and crafts, among my favorites are these amazing Mama Birds. Their little babies fastened securely to their chests.

These birds are a good example of the sorts of things that Brylee makes. Always rainbows and sunshine and hearts and happy little girls holding hands-with big bows up in their hair. Whenever I clean up her desk area I find treasures of her making. I save the best. So Monday during my bedroom pass throughs, I was straightening up her desk and found this....

What the??

It reminded me how Brylee is very much this...

But also this....

And I hope she never changes.

Mother of the Year-T-Shirt and Edition

2011-04-12T09:42:00.001-07:00

You know how some kids go through a phase of clothing addiction. As in, they have a certain clothing item that they become addicted to. This item is usually the most hideous, ugly and forsaken piece of cloth in their dresser.

If it is clean-they are wearing it. If it is not clean-they are wearing it. If it is lost-they find it. If it is in the hamper-they dig it out. If it doesn't fit anymore-they don't care. If it starts to grow onto their skin-they don't mind.

Branson has one.

And yesterday it was in my clean clothes pile. I picked it up, proceeded to fold it and then in an act of complete inhumane-ness- I crumpled it up and stuffed it in the trash. The deed was done.

An hour later I dug it out and took a picture of it because even though it is quite possibly the ugliest, dirtiest, most worn out piece of clothing in the house-it has been Branson's favorite t-shirt for a long time and the least I could do was preserve it's memory in a picture.

And then I stuffed it back in the trash.

No remorse.

Even if that makes me the Favorite Shirt Killin'- Mother of the Year.

Week 14

2011-04-10T10:08:00.000-07:00

(Brylee watching the Saturday Afternoon session in her bathing suit)

This weeks best blessing was hands down, General Conference. It is a blessing in so many ways. I love that General Conference gives us a weekend to stay home, stay in our pajamas and be together. I love that it is a really good excuse to make good food. (This time we went with strawberry shortcake.) And while I never, and I do mean NEVER, get to listen to all the talks with out interruption, I do get to hear bits and pieces, I do get to hear a prophets voice and I do get to know once again that the Faith I belong to is the best blessing that I have.

Keeping Cali

2011-04-08T08:12:00.000-07:00

When I took Kaden to his very first immunisation appointment 11 years ago at 2 months old, I cried more than he did. He may have only been 2 months but I was only 20 years and my new mother heart couldn't take the sight of the nurse jabbing 3 needles into his soft- innocent little thighs. I sobbed through the whole process without a smidgen of shame for doing so.

Yesterday Cali had her tender-squishy thighs jabbed in the same fashion. The only difference between then and now is that I blubber on the inside instead of the out. We were up most of the night with sore baby thighs and a slight fever. And so today, Cali and Ella and I, will rock all day long. It's the "babies don't keep", philosophy of parenting.

Scrubbing and cleaning can wait till tomorrow

For babies grow up we've learned to our sorrow

So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep

I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

It's true, just ask Kaden.

The Good Part

2011-04-06T08:24:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite movie scenes is at the end of Old Yeller when pa says this to Travis,

"It might seem mighty cruel and unfair but that's how life is part of the time. But that isn't the only way life is. A part of the time its mighty good. And a man cant afford to waist all the good part, worrying about the bad part. That makes it all bad."

It is so true! Yesterday when I picked up Ella from pre-school her sweet teacher who is also a mother to 7 children, told me that Ella hadn't had a great day. We emailed back and forth later about the struggle for everyone to adjust after a big family change. Poor Ella. Can you imagine having your Mom and your 3 bigger siblings attention all day- everyday and then out of no where you get "bumped" from your place in the world.

I KNOW that it hasn't been easy for her.

While I was nursing the other night, I shewed her away so many times that when I was finally free to lay by her she told me,

"I don't want to lay with you, I want Branson."

She hears me say,

"Wait a minute" all day long, only sometimes that "wait a minute" turns into wait a few hours which sometimes turns into- wait forever.

On Monday afternoon, I was busy. I was holding the baby, helping with homework and trying to get something going for dinner. Ella was screaming at my side. She was pulling on my shirt and I felt like sticking her in her room and locking the door, to tell you the truth. I took a deep breath, reminded myself how it would feel to be her and offered to go out back to swing.

This time...everything else was going to wait.

I put the baby's bouncer in the shaded grass and Ella, Brylee and I, swung for the next hour straight. It was just what Ella's little soul needed. My happy, sweet, fun girl came rushing back with every push.

And it actually turned out to be just what my soul needed too.

Thanks Ella for giving me a "good part"-I needed that. I love you sweet girly girl!

Love Mom.

Pee Brain

2011-04-05T10:28:00.000-07:00

If I didn't know it before, now I am certain that my brain is mushy, foggy and only partially functioning.

Want Proof?

Keep reading.

Monday was a long and especially hard day. Scott was gone early and only stopped in long enough to eat dinner and grab Kaden, then they were off to baseball. Around 10 pm after a VERY difficult bedtime- we were asleep. I fed the baby again at 3:30am but she didn't eat as much as she should have and so I HAD to stay up and pump. After that I slept for one more hour before she decided to be up for the day.

I put her in the bouncer, slung my hair up into a high ponytail, with out even thinking about looking in the mirror and then I took a shower-got dressed-got the kids up-made breakfast-made three lunches-signed three planners-did Brylee's hair-made Scott some breakfast-packed his lunch-gave Ella a bath-fed the baby-got the kids off-took care of swim team sign ups-bathed Cali-wrote Ella's pre-school check-called my sister inlaw-and finally, packed the car and left for pre-school.

I pulled out of my driveway and rolled down my window to say hello to my good friend Jaime who was out walking with her baby. Right after we said good-bye she called my cell to tell me that there was something on my car. I pulled over- got out-checked...and saw nothing. Then I remembered that I had forgotten Kadens Backpack-THAT HE FORGOT- that I was supposed to bring to him. So I told her I had to come back anyway because I forgot the blasted back pack.

When I pulled up to the stop sign, Jaime came running from across the street saying ,

"Its still there."

With that she plucked a PEE FILLED DIAPER from off the top of my car and flung it into the passenger window. We were holding up traffic so she darted back to the sidewalk, laughing the whole way. I yelled out the window,

"You don't have to be my friend anymore!"

Mind you, I am sure that every teacher at the school had seen the peed diaper while I drove through the drop off line at school. I am sure it landed there after one of the children made an attempt to throw it over the Yukon and into the garbage can, that is in the garage.

After that, I drove back home to get the back pack. After getting Ella to school late, I headed to the store, made a wrong turn- even though I travel this route multiple times a week. (I think it was because a policeman was behind me and I was certain he was going to get me)

After getting groceries, unloading and feeding the baby, I went into the hall bathroom to wipe the morning toothpaste out of the sink.

When I looked in the mirror, I saw the same high ponytail and crazy night bangs that I had made at 5:30 this morning.

Pee Brain.

(P.S.-Jaime-you do still have to be my friend)

Week 13

2011-04-03T23:44:00.000-07:00

(The view from my back yard)

Last Sunday I went back to church. I hadn't been in 8 weeks. Cold and flu season had me sure that I should keep my infant far, far away from the 300 plus children in our ward. And I listened to Cold and Flu, cause when you don't listen to her...she gets ya!

But last week Scott and the rest of the Bishopric were singing and that was enough to motivate me back. It literally took me 4 straight hours of work to get all 6 of us ready to go. I was completely worn out by the time we walked down the street to the church. It wasn't a beautifully peaceful or marvelously glorious experience. It was just church. It was just good old Summerfield Ward. Familiar faces, good friends, lots and lots of babies. Scott and I have been going to church at the same building with the same people for 11 years. It's my home and it felt so good to be back.

I Heart Arizona

2011-04-01T13:09:00.000-07:00

This is why I love where I live....

This is a happy Girl...

And this is the random pair of undies that was on the tramploine....

Sweet Rewards

2011-03-31T11:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I made this little invitation to send to our family. When it was finished I spent the rest of the day staring at it. The struggle of bringing a new life into our family has been real.

The strain of change has been felt by everyone. Coming off of nine months, that started with morning sickness and ended with pain in every corner, left my mind foggy and my body sore. It has taken time to recover. The other four kids have had to learn to have less of me and to do more on their own. Scott stepped in, to grocery shop and clean when I haven't been able to get to it. I have missed ball games, the pinewood derby and a parent teacher conference. Plus, I have lost it a few times- like last night when there was yet ANOTHER fight over who cheated at tether ball and I sat my big kids down and demanded that they never play with, or speak to, or look at, or breath on eachother again.

But yesterday after staring into the pristine face of my new baby, I took off for the bedroom, scooped her up and cried grateful tears that she is mine. That they are all mine. I am so lucky. I am so blessed. Then this morning I read this on another blog- and here it is because I love when someone says something the way I wish I could!...

I've been thinking a lot lately about the word privilege and how it relates to working through hard situations, healing tough relationships, and conquering all sorts of troubles. It's a privilege to struggle and claim the rewards when the hell parts have passed. Joy as exquisite as was the pain is a great pattern, once you finally get to that gorgeous joy end of things. It'll be worth it. It's worth it now.

I'm so happy for you that there's one more person to have the privilege of loving and knowing and raising coming to you. You're blessing your children too- by ushering another soul in. You're blessing the world. It all sounds so cheesy, but think of all the people who would thank you with all their hearts, if only they knew what (who) was coming into their lives soon.

Baby smiles.Tiny fingernails. Neck nuzzling. Fresh wrinkly skin. Yummy sweetness.

Is that not the holy truth!

I pretended that it was written just for me even though it wasn't written for me at all. (Or maybe it was) It seems like this has been my theme lately-the good and the bad, opposition in all things and now joy as exquisite as was the pain. A year to the month that I knew we'd have #5, Cali's cheeks are rounding out, she is sleeping more at night, my body has healed, Ella is calming down, the kids are settling in and though the struggles are never over, they do become a privilege and it feels so good to claim the sweet, sweet rewards!

...

Milky Ways and Spring Break Days

2011-03-30T09:07:00.000-07:00

Well hello little Miss...just what do you have to say for yourself, huh??

I need advice. My little brown haired bundle has decided to become the worlds worst nurser. Not exactly a title that I'd like her to have. When it's time to eat, about 50% of the time Cali complies and eats but the other 50%...well lets just say it isn't pretty. She acts like I am trying to poison her. Gagging, coughing, screaming, wailing, grunting, spitting. But of course she does manage to slip in a few gasping sucks in the middle of all this trauma, which opens my flood gates, leaving us both hosed.

For example, last night she was fed and tucked at 10 pm, I went immediately to bed and didn't budge until 3am when Cali cried. 5 hours, awesome! I pulled her out of bed, snuggled her up and tried to fed her (poison her). She would have nothing of it. I mean come on, what baby wakes up after 5 hours of sleep and refuses, REFUSES to eat?? There are so many problems with this. 1 being that I am convinced she must be hungry. 2, I am not exactly the milk section of walmart, I cant just produce and hope to be purchased.....my dairy MUST be purchased-have mercy baby-IT MUST!!

I am entirely confused.

This 50/50 business is not working for me and somethings gotta give...I just don't know what. On the bright side we did survive Spring Break-New Born style.

We soaked up the sun...

Road Lanny's horse....

Went Swimming...

Met a new cousin....

(My cousin Chrisite and her adorbable new baby Bailey)

Dont forget the sidewalk chalk....

We also had cousin sleepovers and play dates and park visits. And of course the lake....(Dear lake, how I miss you.) Now we are back to packing lunches and doing homework. I am impressed that we survived 2 weeks off school with a new born, now lets just hope I will survive nursing #5. Got Milk? Yes, thank-you, plenty. MOOOOOOOOOOOO

Week 12

2011-03-27T23:25:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday night I was losing it. No really, I was. We were on our second week of spring break and the fun of being off a schedule had worn off a bit and the boredom had set in. My heart longed to take the kids out for some adventure but the new born in my arms forced me to opt for home instead. Scott had been gone every day from early to late and the lack of adult interaction was starting to rot my brain and starve my spirit.

I made a teary mayday call to my Mom. Minutes later, I had packed the children and started the 20 minute drive to my parents house, even though it was already going on 6pm. I pulled in, unloaded, made my way through the garage and lifted the car seat high when I passed the 3 dogs that were standing in the way of the back door. I had hardly stepped foot into the kitchen when I felt relief start seeping in.

My Mom took the baby out of my tired arms and Ella FINALLY stopped crying at my side, having become distracted by the change in scenery and the extra attention from my Dad. Brylee ate some left over tacos and jumped on the trampoline. I talked with my Mom for the next two hours while she rocked the baby. All the strain and pressure and stress of the day lifted easily off my shoulders in the quiet conversation. My Mom has been there-done that, with every possible scenario of Motherhood and it felt so good to be with someone who just knows exactly what I am feeling.

The best blessing of the week was being rescued from the very edge of a complete Mothering melt down, by a short visit at my Moms where I was the one being Mothered.

Best Day Ever

2011-03-26T11:41:00.000-07:00

It has been 7 desperate weeks since we welcomed our new baby. I say desperate because despite being- head over heels in love with the little girl, these changes do not come with out some pain. Scott and I have been waiting and hoping to find an open day just to have fun together as a family. Between a new baby, baseball, gymnastics, scouts, church stuff, house stuff and work stuff, I was beginning to think we would have to hire a professional search and rescue crew to help us find the time.

Alas... the day came!

Scott took Friday off and the kids were still on spring break so we made the most of it.

BEST DAY EVER!

I have a parenting tip for everyone. Not that I am in anyway qualified to give parenting tips but if I were, I would give this one. When you have time to spend together don't waste it at Chuck E Cheese, Peter Piper, Amazing Jakes, or any other gold token, game playin, money spending-type place.

Why you ask?

I'll tell you why...

1. 9 times out of ten one of your kids will end up in trouble for begging, whining, rudeness, ingratitude etc.etc.

2. You'll spend a lot of money.

3. By the time you reach your car the dumb toy the kid picked at the ticket counter will break.

4. You'll have a head ache.

5. At least one of your children will leave crying and convinced that the world is a unjust place because some game cheated them out of the tickets that they were rightfully owed.

6. When it is time to go you may have to crawl your big, adult butt up the stinky play structure slide to force your toddler to come down.

Am I right or am I right?

Besides that, kids get enough chances to go to these places for birthdays, team parties and things like that. They'll get their chance, don't you worry.

So with the whole day open we headed out. We stopped for breakfast, our first meal out with all 7 of us. When we were escorted through the maze of senor citizens to our table you would have thought the circus came to town. Ella was starving, she kept hurling herself onto the floor screaming. The big kids were having a very loud contest to see who could finish their "kid menu word search" first and Cali would NOT latch on and nurse under my nursing cover.

Circus, I tell you.

But, I am a seasoned veteran of -public scenes of family chaos and so, I am really good at ignoring the stares, staying calm and having a good ol time anyway.

And that we did....

After breakfast we drove out to one of our favorite spots on the lake. We had such a wonderful time! And all it cos us was a $6 parking pass,a picnic lunch and 1 -10 dollar inflatable.

I love being outside with my family. No one has to be quiet, no one has to hold still, no one has to stay clean and there is nothing available for the kids to beg for or buy.

It was GOLDEN.

The water was freezing but my adventurous kids didn't mind and we spent a full day playing and recharging. Now, I can pick up the pieces of desperation and charge onward...on just the fuel of this one blissful day.

One of my favorite Mothers said this,

"Find joy in your children, when the day dawns bright and sunny, take an excursion to the canyon or the park. When it's cloudy and wet, read a book together or make something good to eat. Give them time to explore and learn about the feel of grass and the wiggliness of worms."

-Marjorie Hinkley

And when you do these things, you will find joy in your children....

and they will find it in you.

Through the Haze

2011-03-24T09:49:00.000-07:00

Guess what my most recent purchase was??

Because when you hardly sleep, your eyes are red. I am pretty sure that all 5 of my children have some sort of internal tracking device that alerts them when my eyes so much as slightly close. I swear they could work for the FBI.

When we were kids and my Mom would try to take a nap, I guess the 10 of us made a lot of noise because my dad used to always say,

"When you guys grow up, every time you try to sleep, I am going to come to your house and bang pots and pans together and wake you up!"

No need Dad, no need. My children are doing the job quite well, you would be so proud.

For the last 2 nights, after several hours of wakefulness, I nursed the littlest child and put her to bed. I then turned on a movie for the 3 big kids, grabbed the 3 year old and laid by her. Just as said 3 year old was drifting, the baby started wailing. I got up to retrieve the baby and was followed by the 3 year old. My husband who had been gone from about 6:30 am to nearly 9 pm took over the 3 year old while I spent ANOTHER 30 minutes re-doing bed time with the baby. Meanwhile the 3 year was jumping on the bed demanding games and play from my husband who was trying to appease her while also trying to view the Suns in double over time. When the baby was again in her bed, the 3 year old bossed me to tickle her back. I tickled and tickled and tickled but every time my hand started to drift off, the girl would wiggle and move and start in again with her bossiness. Sheeze! Before her highness the 3 year old was asleep...guess who started crying again? So to spare you...just reread this paragraph another 12 times and you'll pretty much get the idea of how the night went.

I'll show you double over time!

In the wee hours of the morning, after my husband was gone again for the day and with 2 babies in my bed, I slithered out and attempted to lay my infant down in her own bed. I crawled back in next to the 3 year old and shut my eyes. I think I actually did fall asleep but it felt like only moments later when one of the big kids was standing over me, poking the side of my arm, saying,

"what's for breakfast?"

And that people, is why I needed eye drops.

And speaking of my bossy 3 year old. (Bossy and yet-the absolute love of my life) one of her favorite things to boss us all about is pushing her on the swing. And the girl doesn't settle for any mediocre pushing. She wants constant, high pushing and she wants it for hours. So a lot of the time when Ella bosses me to swing her, I just go ahead and boss one of the big kids to do it. (Enslaving your older children is a perk of spring break)

But yesterday the heavens opened and glory shown down upon us because.... our little boss learned to swing.....

And thanks to my Clear Eyes, I could see through the haze just enough to enjoy it.

Lessons from my Camera- Chapter 1

2011-03-21T11:23:00.001-07:00

If you don't just melt like ice cream on the sidewalk in June over the, "Daddy Chest Perch" then you are simply soul-less.

If you have never let your 3 year old eat a purple Popsicle and a corn chip for dinner, in her swimsuit, then you are a really bad parent.

If you are the frequent recipient of sidewalk chalk love notes then you are pretty lucky.

If your first born is doing really grown up things like going on scout camp-outs, then your heart might hurt a little bit when you smile and take his picture.

If your #2 son is the walking text book example of "middle child syndrome" then you feel really happy when he does things like this.

If a peek into your memory card can make you laugh, cry, and feel like you wouldn't trade your life for a million-trillion-billion dollars, then you must be me.

What lessons do you learn from your camera?? Post about it!

Week 11

2011-03-20T12:02:00.000-07:00

This week and next is spring break and if I were being completely honest, I would say that I was dreading it. I usually, literally can not wait for breaks from school. I love the summer time atmosphere of no schedule, no shoes and no commitments and especially...no homework. I love picnics out back and friends at the door, sleeping in and staying up late. I really mostly just love reclaiming my kids and having them home.

But this time, I was envisioning 4 bored kids and 1 newborn whose needs and schedule dictate all aspects of life right now. I pictured spring break mutiny.

But what I got was...help. My big kids have kept Ella busy with all kinds of things from side walk chalk to trampoline picnics to reading books. They have bounced the bouncer and thrown away diapers and sung songs to the baby. It has been wonderful to have them home.

Messier...yes

Louder...yes

Wonderfuler...yes.

Best blessing of the week...yes.

See-through

2011-03-17T13:28:00.000-07:00

(Sleepovers are harder than they look)

I really would like to blog. I would. At the end of every day, I have things to write about. And those things would make for some good bloggin. I am so sorry you all are missing all of this amazing blogging because while I would like to blog, I would also like to sleep.

And Shower.

And eat.

And breathe.

Last night I had a fussy baby in my arms that had decided that sleep was entirely over rated and had chosen the... stay- up- and -cry- all- evening- instead route.

Plus...

I had a very needy 3 year old sobbing at the side of the rocker, saying all sorts of gilt inducing phrases like...

"hold me"

"rock me"

"tickle my back,waaaaaaa"

Plus...

My house was a total wreck. And when I say "wreck" I mean laundry, snacks, dishes, toys, board game pieces, dirty sheets and dirty towels, wet swim suits and muddy cleats, soggy bread floating in the sink and mushy banana smeared on the fridge--kids are home for spring break-kind of wreck.

Plus...

The yard was strewn with cups, and popcorn bowls from the friend frenzy the day before and the kids had left about 15 quilts on the trampoline.

Plus...

My bed was sheet-less because the baby had exploded the entire contents of her bowels, mid diaper change, that morning and I had never gotten back to washing and remaking.

Plus...

I looked about as pretty as my house.

Plus...

I probably smelled that way too.

Plus...

When the boys and their cousin asked me what was for dinner, I swallowed down the sobbing lump in my throat and asked them to just make what ever they wanted.

At 10 pm I was in the rocking chair with Cali, Scott had rescued Ella from my neglect and gotten her to sleep. I could hear the boys and their cousin Chase jumping on the trampoline outside my window. I lifted the blinds and watched them jumping and laughing and I wished I could be the Mom that was out there with them, manning the sleep over. Helping them melt marshmallows into smores over the fire pit, or popping popcorn bags and refilling drinks. I especially wished I could take pictures of their care free spring break and their fun and their games, so they could remember every detail.

Instead I was in the rocking chair, barely able to keep my eyes open, feeling that horribly familiar feeling of being torn in two. Scott and Ella were asleep on the sheet-less bed that I should have made, which of course, made me feel even worse.

At the 3am feeding, I lifted the blinds near the rocker again and out in the dark, I could see those 3 little best friends, huddled under the 15 quilts, sound asleep. The baby was nursing quietly in my arms and like always, I felt the calm after the storm.

Sometimes, like yesterday, this gig of Motherhood breaks my heart and spreads me so thin that I start to feel see-through. But sure as anything those quiet moments of reassurance come and I am lifted up, made more than I am and filled with gratitude for this most precious position of Mother. Somehow I think the two feelings work together in some sort of ebb and flow and I wonder,

"would it be so good if it weren't so hard?"

Probably not.

Week 10

2011-03-13T12:40:00.000-07:00

My boys are always high jacking my camera. I really never know what I might find hidden in it's memory. The other day I was in the kitchen singing lullabys to my baby while the potatoes boiled on the stove. A while later, after checking my camera, I found this picture. It was cock-eyed and distant but it's a little gem. I cropped out the edges and fixed the exposure a bit and wa-la....a treasure.

The best blessing of the week was all the little moments like this one. Most of them will never be captured on the camera but I am capturing them in my heart because I know they are fleeting. It wont be long till I cant hold her whole tiny frame up to my chest and balance her wobbly neck in my palm. I am so thankful for the chance I have every single day to find quiet moments with my new little angel when the rest of the world gets cropped out and it's just me and her.

Miss Mae Moments

2011-03-10T09:44:00.000-08:00

Ella and I have had a few "moments" since the little intruder, I mean the little sister arrived. Don't get me wrong the big girl loves the little girl like nothing else but you know -these things take time. So when I say that Miss Mae and I have had "moments" what I mean is that we have had moments of pure frustration like....

If Ella doesn't get her germy little toddler hands the heck off of Cali's face, I may have to sell her on ebay.

Moments of pure annoyance like....

Why does the girl have to cram herself on top of any left over sliver of my lap, every single time I nurse?

Moments of pure comical hysteria like....

The other night when Ella and I finished up singing "You are my Sunshine" to Cali when out of no where Ella followed up the last line of "please don't take my Sunshine away" with a perfectly tuned..."Or else we will only have the moon."

Moments of defiance like...

this morning when I was stuck on the couch nursing and Ella needed me for something, when I gave her the standard, "ok, just a minute" she picked up a stuffed animal off the floor and flung it at me. I made a sad face and said the best thing I could think of which was,

"I am telling Jesus that you did that."

The girl didn't skip a beat- just picked up another stuffed animal and said,

"Jesus told me to wack ya with this."
(And that's a word for word quote...not even kidding)

Moments of super proud..

like when Ella adjusts the shade on the car seat so that the sun isn't shinning in the baby's face.

Moments of absolute happiness...

like when Ella snuggles up to my side and Cali sleeps softly on my chest, her new little body all formed perfectly against mine, and then all three of us drift off for a late afternoon nap...I love that.

And moments like yesterday...

When I ventured out of the house and up to the zoo for Ella's field trip. We left the dishes and the laundry behind, packed our lunches and headed out. I may have had to be up and going by 5am to make it happen but it was worth it...I -had-so-much-fun!

The weather was great, Ella was happy and I cant remember the last time I spent an entire day just having fun with my girl. And we did it, even with our newest little addition along for the ride. It was a great day filled with great moments.

Miss Mae and I...we needed that.

P.S. I was just kidding about that ebay thing

Pride

2011-03-08T08:24:00.000-08:00

The week after Cali was born I was at my Moms house showing my baby off to my Grandpa. My kids call him Cowboy. Cowboy is the only man on planet earth other than my husband that I am ok getting kisses from. He is a kisser. A kissing cowboy if you will.

But that is beside the point.

Whenever I see Cowboy he plants a kiss on my face and tells me that he is proud of me. And, well, it just so happens that I am proud of him too, only not the part where my Mother has to insist that he showers because apparently, cowboys don't like to shower.

But that is beside the point as well.

The point is that whenever Cowboy squeezes me in and tells that he is proud of me, I leave feeling good. As in, "wowee, it feels good when someone is proud of me." Even if that someone, hates to shower.

After that Sunday afternoon I thought a lot about the people I am proud of and wondered if I tell them enough.

No, probably not.

So it's time to tell about a few of the people I am proud of, even though this list will be entirely incomplete because it would take me all year to post about all the people in my life that I am proud to know. And I don't have all year or even 2 hours because I have a chest full of milk. And a chest full of milk means that I am on a strict schedule people.

My Kaden Boy tops the list for me on this one. The day every Mother dreads arrived for us yesterday. Kaden brought home a permission slip from school. Permission to attend the puberty/reproduction class. First of all puberty is just disgusting and horrible. Second, the word puberty itself is disgusting and horrible. You would think that since puberty is so gross they could at least give it a name that is NOT gross.

No?

Anyway, he and I had a little discussion about the class. I was trying to figure out whether or not he wanted, needed, should or should not go. I told him exactly what they were going to talk about and I also told him that some of the boys would probably laugh and be silly about the whole thing. My heart nearly melted with pride when he said,

" Yeah, but not me Mom, I would be mature about it."

I really am so proud of the boy and his maturity.

Lately I have spent a good amount of time on the phone with my sister. She lives so far away and I really miss her. When we were growing up she was my complete opposite. I loved to be a pleaser and a helper and a girl and she loved to be rude, crude and boyish. My Dad used to call her G-I Jen and she wore camouflage everyday.

Now, she is one of my heroes. She has handled years of infertility, miscarriage and loss like a champ. She lives across the country with out any family whatsoever and she is a sweet, patient, tender Mother, to her two littles. And I am pretty sure that she never wears cammo.

Friday was my parents 36th anniversary. 36 years, 10 kids and 13 & 1/2 grand kids. I am proud of my parents because I don't know anybody except myself and my siblings that can claim that their parents have never argued, never been rude, never teased, never raised a voice, never been inpatient or unkind to each other, on any occasion...ever.

Last, I am proud of this...

Because I am proud of her and because I needed another excuse to post her cute face on my blog.

Week 9

2011-03-06T12:31:00.000-08:00

I spent an hour Saturday afternoon sitting on the couch across from Scott teary eyed and lost. It was a swirl of exhaustion and hormones, mixed with only a touch of actual real life frustrations. He listened and counseled and praised- while I cried and sighed and sniffled. I felt awful and unsure.

It was approaching 4pm and we needed to get Kaden to his practice. Scott shouted into the other room for him to get dressed and then the two of us decided we should all go down to the field.

I haven't been out much and the isolation is starting to affect me, so I packed up my little bundled, put Ella in her car seat and joined my family.

Kaden and Scott took off for the field and I walked with the twins and Ella down to the duck pond near-by, Cali was strapped warmly onto my chest. I sat in the shade of a tree and the others headed for the water.

I could see Branson, Brylee and Ella's silhouettes against the shimmery pond. I could feel the light spring breeze in my hair. And I could hear the quick, soft breaths of the band new baby tucked under my chin, but most of all I could feel peace.

Peace that I am doing exactly what I should be. Even if that means, hardly leaving home, never earning a pay check, not getting promotions or accolades or ribbons or awards or degrees. Even if that means nursing under the shade of a tree and watching my kids dip their feet into dirty pond water. Even if that means that I am using up all my energy, my time and my talents right inside the four walls of home. So the blessing I am most thankful for this week was the quiet reasurrance that came, right when I needed it.

Life Goes On

2011-03-02T11:21:00.000-08:00

So life goes on. I am having a hard time believing that more than 3 weeks have passed since Cali arrived. In one way it feels like she has been here all along but in another, I am shocked that she is nearly one month old. Perhaps even more shocking is that I am still dragging my feet in the, get-back-to-life, department.

Most days, I still want to stay in my pajamas and stay in bed with my baby. Of course, I cant. Cause the rest of the people around here still want to eat, they still want to wear clean clothes and they still want to have their friends over to play.

Besides that I am starting to really miss Scott. He is busy providing, doing his church calling, running the kids around to all the places they need to be and until last weekend...finishing the pinewood derby car. I am busy, being exhausted, nursing, doing laundry, house work, lunches, homework and meals. We are just passing every now again the hall way and exchanging the occasional hug in the door way before he leaves for the day.

But with all the strains of change and adjustment life has also been sweet and good. Branson had a great time making his pinewood derby car with Scott and he was entirely understanding about why I wouldn't be there to cheer him on.

Brylee comes home from school everyday and takes Ella out to play and Kaden started doing this....

He also initiated a good laughing fit for me the other day when I found some notes left over from his book report.

The book was The Secret Garden. It was a class book report so he didn't have a choice and if he had he wouldn't have picked The Secret Garden. Anyway, in our, before- the- new- baby- life, I would have sat by Kaden and helped him along in the writing process for his report. But this time I stuck him in the office, told him to get the work done and then I shut the door behind me and left him to figure it out.

(Really what choice do I have people? 5 of them, 1 of me)

After a painful day and a half stuck in the office, Kaden emerged with a beard, 12 pounds lighter and with a finished book report in his hand. It was only later that I found part of the evidence as to why it took him so blasted long....He was supposed to write about each of the main Characters, Exhibit A...

The only good thing about this is that he didn't actually leave it in the final draft and like I said I laughed into sleep deprived hysterics when I found it. I really enjoyed his use of the word, governess.

So life does go on and someday I will stop dragging my feet and get back at it. Eventually, Scott and I will reconnect over something other than the hospital bills and next year I will NOT miss Bransons pinewood derby but in the mean time I get to smooch on this....

So life will just have to wait a little bit longer.

Week 8

2011-02-27T11:15:00.000-08:00

On Monday, I was able to get through much of the house work. My body is healing and I am starting to feel my energy return. I almost forgot what it feels like to have energy and it felt so good to feel it coming back. Even if it was only until 1 o'clock when I laid down on the bed to rest and didn't get back up again until 3:00, when my big kids came home.

Taste of Reality

2011-02-23T07:24:00.000-08:00

Ok so enough about Heaven and on to reality.

Don't get me wrong Heaven is real and we do get to feel it now and again but the rest is just plain reality. Like as in...Holy Reality! I have 5 people in my house calling me Mom. Or to be more accurate they are calling me,

"Mom, Mom, Mom, MOM, MAWMMMMM!!"

Never just one "Mom".

Ella is having a time and has moved back into our bed at night. The week after Cali was born Kaden had ANOTHER gigantic book report due. And even though I had every stitch of house work and laundry done, before the girl was born, it's all been undone 12 times over since I came home.

Laundry, towels, sheets and blankets for 7 people=Full-Time-Job!

Homework still comes home, lunches still have to be packed, floors are still getting sticky and the bathrooms still need their maid. (ME)

When the kids get off in the morning I already feel exhausted. Then I start in on the rest of the house work, baby care and Ella tending. When the baby is asleep I like to sleep too, OH, I mean I like to play with Ella. Add in a breast infection that is FINALLY clearing up, a 20 minute stretch of time when I thought Brylee had been kidnapped and Kaden's book report plus -post baby emotions and you've got yer-self some reality my friend.

On Sunday night, Scott's sister Stacey invited Kaden to spend the night. Then in the morning she stopped by and picked up Ella. Later that day she met me at the park. My first time out. The sunshine felt like paradise and the fresh air was literally breathing new life into my very soul! We walked around the park, watched our kids be happy, dirty and carefree and by the time I got home Scott was home too. It was a beautiful day!

Plus, one day last week Sheri, Scott's other sister who had her own new baby in November, stopped by one afternoon with lunch and her 3 year old to keep Ella company. We swapped babies and discussed the cruelty of rapid infant growth and she filled me in on life outside my 4 walls. Then last night she brought over the most delicious dinner.

I have 2 sisters of my own. One that lives far away and another that lives very, very far away. But the reality of it is- my two sister-in-laws, are really just my sisters. So you can go ahead and scratch the "in-law" part.

(Thanks guys for taking a bit of the real out of reality...Love you!)

Cali- Birth Story

2011-02-21T17:32:00.000-08:00

Days are already passing....making the space since her arrival bigger and wider. And bigger and wider spaces, have a cruel way of making, even the most potent images and memories-less so.

It is time to write.

I spent Sunday making a few last preparations. Washing her soft pink outfit, checking for memory in the cameras and keeping my mind cautious of every warm, squirming movement in my belly. Before bedtime, (It was after 10 pm) we took a picture...

The last one of 6.

Then Scott and I gathered the kids to the back bedroom of Grandmas house to have what we hoped would be a tender family gathering. Prayers, hugs, blessings, reassurances, excitement.

Instead....

Silliness, bed jumping, wrestling matches.

At last when they settled down a bit we circled around and Scott prayed. My emotions were warm and full but when Ella started repeating about every 4th word that Scott said, I started to giggle.

Scott: We are so thankful for our sweet little family...

Ella: wittle fameee

Scott: Please be with Mom and bless her to be safe.

Ella: Bwess her be safe

The more I tried to choke down my laugh the more it came out and then the kids followed suit and Scott and Ella were left praying and echoing alone. The only righteous pair left in the room.

We decided to save the blessing for after the children were sleeping. It was a wise decision.

After that I spent a sleepless night on the twin bed next to Ella. I wasn't really sleep but I was settled and happy.

At 4 am I checked one last time to see if the hospital had called to bump us down.

No call, no message.

By 5 am we were showered and ready. I purposely didn't go back into the bedroom to kiss the 4 sleeping children we were leaving behind, knowing that if I did.....I might not leave.

One last picture in the door way...

And a shot of the marque displaying her birthday...

Inside we learned that the nurse HAD left a message letting us know that we had been moved to 11am. She read me the number that she had called and I don't know whose it was, I only know that it wasn't ours.

So we took the kids to school, got gas, hit the bank, stopped by the office and played with Ella in Grandmas play room until it was again time to go. I avoided any sort of long good-bye in the last minutes I spent playing Handy Manny with Ella. I took one last look at her from across the room, swallowed the lump in my throat, squeezed Scott's thumb and closed the door behind us.

Scott and I spent the day watching movies and talking. At one point when I was in between awake and asleep, I watched Scott returning emails in the rocking chair next to my bed. My vision a bit blurred. He was handsome and steady and I couldn't help but wonder how we had gotten to that point. It was not that long ago that it was just he and I- and all of a sudden-boom-there we were, hours away from meeting our 5th addition.

At 7 pm I was ready...

And at 7:06 she came....

When I heard her first squeaky cries and saw her beautiful swirl of black hair...

time stood still...

and peace flooded into every corner of my heart.

She was placed in my arms, still wet and warm-I could do nothing but cry and pray....

I've said it before but Heaven certainly did open it's doors for a moment, letting me step in and feel the purest of all joy, right there in LDR room 1.

She is divine in every way.

A bit later Scott called his sister and she put my other 4 on the line. I could hardly speak. I announced her arrival and a half hour later they all came to meet her.

We showed her around and Scott did the hair reveal...

They all took turns holding her and posing for a picture and then my Dad took this one...

Our first as 7.

Cali has been a sweet natured, happy, content baby. A perfect fit to our crew. She is loved. So very loved, by all of us. My emotions are still adjusting and while I cooked scrambled eggs the other morning, the I-pod in the kitchen was humming the sweet strains of, "I Feel my Saviors Love." I used a paper towel to catch my tears. I most certainly do.

I could not be more grateful to Him for her fresh, new life, her flawless, new body, my 4 other children and their Dad. But mostly for His Life, that allows them to be mine forever.

I feel my Saviors Love....

How could I not...

Week 7

2011-02-20T10:31:00.001-08:00

Best blessing of the week....

One more Valentine.

Question for You...

2011-02-15T16:44:00.000-08:00

How am I supposed to get anything done around here, when I am very busy, staring all day at Miss Cali J.- making sure that she doesn't grow, change, cry or go off to grade school with out me noticing?

Impossible, I tell you.

Birth story coming just as soon as I can think in full sentences again...