For This

Last week was our wards "Temple Week". There were a few different activities, one of the activities was last Saturday. Everyone was supposed to take their family down to the Mesa temple, get a picture together and visit the visitors center. That morning Scott and Kaden had football practice and so I ran around in a flurry getting everyone dressed and hair combed and ready to go. It took me 2 solid hours. Scott got home and showered then we loaded up and headed to the temple. The whole way there-THE WHOLE WAY, Brylee and Branson fought in the back seat. I closed my eyes and plugged my ears so I could endure the torturous ride.

The temple was packed and there was nowhere to park and so Scott let us all out and he then went up the street to park.

It was hot. Like, heat advisory hot. Add the heat to all the grass and plants and pools at the temple and it was heat advisory meets sauna meets family outing.  We dripped giant drops of sweat through the picture and then toured the visitors center. The kids scattered, they all wanted to see something different and while we looked at the City of Jerusalem model, Kaden and Branson had a shoving match.

Ella was screaming to see the "the statue",  so we corralled everyone and headed to the front of the building to see The Christis. We were the only family in the presentation and when the big curtains closed and the lights dimmed and the soothing voice came on the speakers, I looked down the row at my family. All their little faces were turned upward and all their eyes were wide and everyone was perfectly still and reverent. I swallowed hard and thought... I did all that for this.

On Friday, I got ambitious. I tried a new recipe and had all the prep work done by 9am. At 5pm just as I was about to cook it all up and serve a gourmet dinner, Scott called and said that they had gotten free Cardinals tickets at work and asked if he and the boys could go. So I threw all their things together and hurried everyone into the car. I pulled out and just then Ella spilled her whole cup of yogurt into her carseat. I pulled back in. Eventually the boys were delivered to Scott.

Later that night after an evening with cousins, I spent an hour getting my, would-be dinner cleaned up, and Ella and Cali put to bed so that I could watch a movie with Brylee. We snuggled together in my bed and talked about school and staff infections and shampoo and babies and she laid her wet head on my stomach while I tickled her back. We held hands as she drifted off to sleep and I thought....I did all that for this.

On Friday, Kaden and Brylee had a evening swim meet so I took Branson and the little girls to play over at my moms house and I suggested we stop for ice-cream on the way home.  For the last whole hour that we were there, Branson was chasing, teasing, bugging and tickling Ella. Ella was a full and willing participant in this, alternating from full out screams to shrieking laughter. They were running around under our feet like two little puppies. All of the screaming and yelling and laughing was more than I could stand and I asked them to stop so many times that I lost count.

I was frazzled by the time we loaded up to leave and then my car battery was dead and needed to be jumped.

On the way home Branson asked where we were stopping for ice-cream and I had to respond,

"Oh, were not, because you and Ella didn't listen to me."

I endured the long ride home while he ranted and said a few less than kind words. I ignored him and sent him straight to bed when we got home. Later on, I was laying half asleep on my bed when I heard Branson say,

"Mom, don't open your eyes."

I felt him putting something around my wrist and then he ran out. It was a duct tape bracelet with a message....

And I thought...I did all that for this.

I spent most of last week feeling completely down, totally inadequate and entirely not good enough. My imperfections, mistakes and shortcomings were ringing loud in my ears like a fire alarm. Last night I couldn't sleep, I got up this morning and started my chores. In the office I pulled my camera down from the shelf, wondering if I had even taken one picture all week. I came to the one that the sister missionary took of us under The Christis last Saturday and I remember standing there, holding my baby, showing my kids the nail markings in the granite feet of the statue. We ran our fingers in the groves and looked up at the marks in His outstretched hands and we talked about how He got the spear wound in His side.

While I studied the picture remembering our few precious minutes of peace, I heard Heaven whisper to my heart.........I did all that for this.

And He did.

All of that suffering and teaching and showing and bleeding- so that I can have all this, so they can be mine forever, so I can repent and try again. How I love Him for it.