A Change of Opinion?

Kaden chose to celebrate his day at one of my least favorite spots on the planet Earth. I offered many a good alternatives. His mind would not be changed. So, I resigned to partying at my version of parental prison...Chuck (up your guts) E. Cheese. Blahhhh!!!!

Loud, questionably unclean, definitely unhealthy, team sport party place, spend all your money, kids crying at the prize table, I need more tokens, I lost my tickets, my piece of crap toy broke on the way home, place.

Don't love it.

Last night just might have lessened my distaste.

There was only one other family in the house. Our waitress was sweet and helpful and prompt. We were able to spread out across multiple tables. With coupons and deals it was fairly affordable.

And best of all.

Kaden was gracious and thrilled.

Branson gave up treasured Chuck tokens so that he could give these two a ride...

And Brylee handed over a fist full of tickets to her 4 year old cousin Blake who frequently finds himself in love with her.

Nothing like life lessons practiced in the hallowed halls of Chuck (into a bucket) E. Cheese.

I tucked Kaden in late and made him promise me that I could be his Mom for another 10 years and then another and another and another and another....

Then, I made him promise that for 11, we'll hike or fish or bike.

Cause, I still, really don't like Chuck (all night long) E Cheese .

He's Good

When Scott came home from his meetings today he and Kaden spread out a game of checkers using our giant cloth game board. Just as they were about to face off Kaden leaned in and said,

"Just warning you Dad, I am good."

While I watched from the couch, the two of them joked and bantered each other over jumps and kings and moves. I was trying to remember what Scott and I were doing 10 years ago on this day, our last as a family of two. I am certain we weren't playing checkers.

Every year in late November we mark the day of Kaden's birth and I mark my birth into Motherhood.

No body had leaned in and warned me.

About the expanse of my heart being taken over.

About the devotion being all consuming.

About the willing sacrifice.

About the wholly given loyalty.

About the complete forsaking of life before.

About love this unconditional.

No body leaned in and warned me,

That he would be this good.

Happy Birthday, Kaden boy! I love you.

Pretty Sure Ben-Hur

I was depressed this morning.

For two reasons and I am pretty sure they are good ones.

A. I am mad at Scott.

He thinks that Ben-Hur is a good, age appropriate movie for our small children. I do not. He showed it to them against my will last night while I stomped around the house. Have you seen it!? I watched Bransons face during the boat war scene and the look of shock and terror on his face was enough to assure me that I am the one who is right about this. By the time Messala was drug to death behind his chariot, all bloody and convulsing, I was sick. Yup, pretty sure I am still right and pretty sure, I am still mad.

B. Our Relief Society is having a Homemade Christmas gift exchange. I'm pretty sure the only thing I can make at home, within budget is dinner. I am also pretty sure, that is not what they have in mind. I am making a quilt right now, with guidance from Scott's angel Grandmother, and I cant even speak out loud how much it cost.

Then while I was out on an errand, I drove by this...

And I remembered my lament over my poor, over stuffed, little home. This...

is two minutes from my house.

This...

Is where the new Temple will be.

Pretty sure this...

cheered me right up.

Now, I am going to go watch the rest of Ben-Hur.

Eternal Student

I think I've learned a few things this week.

Or relearned them.

I relearned that I have to constantly relearn my children, and if I can permanently learn to relearn, then maybe I will have learned my lesson.

A bit of what I relearned this week...

Branson, will fall quickly when tons of attention isn't payed to his constant need to do, be and try. Yesterday by the time 8am hit the clock and the boy stepped out of my car, I was baffled as to where this kid came from and by whoever thought I could be good at his mothering. After school, into scouts and through bed time that feeling prevailed. I knelt down before I slept to ask for insight into his little soul and this morning at the first light of day, I saw the same look in his eyes that he went to bed with. The

"go ahead, I dare you to try and raise me" look.

I kissed his forehead, then sucked in as much oxygen as my lungs could take and asked him to help me with breakfast. Like magic my boy was back. After making toast and eggs, we were behind schedule but off he ran to dress and brush and pack for the day. When his teeth were shinning, I picked him up and told him how great he was and how I would be lost with out him. Really, I would be.

A bit more of what I relearned...

Kaden is famous for coming up with great games for us all to play cheerfully as a family, right when it is time for bed. When Scott walked in the door at 9pm last night I was just finishing up scriptures and was about to kneel down for prayers. No sooner had I said,

"prayers and bed"

when Kaden dashed down the hall and came back with a few copies of a word search he had created on the computer, containing all 30 of his spelling words.

"Lets have a contest"

he said, as he passed out searches and pencils. I really would have rather poked my own eye out with my pencil than do it, but just as I was about to say,

"no way it's nine o'clock at night and I am as tired as death"

I stopped myself and the game was on. 15 minutes later, Kaden and I were on the brink of victory versus Scott and the twins. It was intense, we were trash talking right across the kitchen table and in the end getting to bed a little late, was a small price to pay.

And just like that I think I relearned what I had managed to unlearn. That is... to relearn them again, everyday.

"Recently a young mother asked for advice. What, she wanted to know, what was she to do with a 7-year-old who was obstreperous, outspoken, and inconveniently willful?

"Keep her," I replied."

Anna Quindlen

Shrinking House & My Christmas Wish

On Sunday evening I was sitting on the counter in my Mother-in-laws sprawling kitchen chatting with her and my sister-in-law. (who also happens to have a sprawling kitchen) We were discussing the economy, one of my favorite topics, when Stacey said something like,

"it's not like a bigger house ever made anyone happier"

then I said,

"it would make me happier"

And I meant it! I did.

Saturday, Scott and I single handily unloaded our storage unit. Just a bill we don't want to pay anymore. I guess a monthly fee is not worth my sanity. Now that money can go toward the therapy and medication I will need to live here with all this extra stuff. My space is small and not only does too much stuff make me clinically insane it stifles my creativity and righteous desires.

Like having the missionaries over for dinner. Or the neighbors or anyone, ever. See, when you don't even have enough kitchen space to seat your own family at one time no body gets invited over. That, "feed the missionaries" clip board just gets passed right along.

Holidays come and go around here with no decorations. Why? Nowhere to store them when it is not a holiday.

More children? Love to, I'll just have the boys pitch a tent out back.

Creative projects to make and give away? Sounds nice, as long as it can be all done in one nap time because there is no where to leave such things out. Or to put them away.

Get rid of some of it you say? Anyone who even knows me a little knows that I am already down to only the absolute necessities. I am not a shopper and I throw anything out that is not a valid item of everyday use or of serious sentimental value. I'm pretty sure the children fall under those two categories so they are staying.

With Christmas and birthdays approaching I might spiral (that word was for you Stace) into a black hole of depression, knowing that nothing new can come in. No gifts larger than a penny are aloud.

Unless it's a sprawling new kitchen. If not, therapy and medication will be fine.

My Cheering Section

This happens to be my third attempt.

I am privileged to know or at least be acquainted with multitudes of talented, amazing people. People who use their gifts to make the world a better place. People who have turned tragedy into triumph, people who provide for their families with goods they make, people who build testimonies with their voice, people who have a top notch education, people who play in symphonies, run marathons, run businesses, teach classes, head organizations, hold public office, people who change the world and still, still mother excellently and live righteously.

I am so glad to know these people. They bless my life.

But

On occasion I am left feeling, wondering and questioning, if my untalented, uneducated, unsuccessful self, holds any value outside the 4 walls of my home. I have been fighting the urge to give into these feelings all week! When I feel like this I go deep sea fishing for specific compliments and reassurances from Scott. Then I lovingly remind my spouse that there is no pay check , no "good job", no audience, no impressed client, boss or ward member. In my cheering section, he sits alone. So I remind him to cheer loud.

Well, self pity is just gross and wrong so I really have put up a good fight and just as I felt I was losing the thought came to me that I should read a talk that I distinctly remember being given a few years back. I believe I was at the Young Women broadcast when it was given. I could recall only one line so I typed those few remembered words and in one shot my search was done.

A bit of what I read and reread from "I am the Light Which ye Shall Hold Up" by Susan W. Tanner...



Good home life often goes unrecognized. It might be easier to “arise and shine forth, that thy light may be a standard for the nations” than that your light may be a standard for your own families. Sometimes others don’t see us doing good, sharing our light in our individual homes. It is basic human nature to desire and seek praise and attention. Helaman taught his sons Nephi and Lehi to do the good works of their forefathers for whom they were named, “that ye may not do these things that ye may boast, but that ye may do these things to lay up for yourselves a treasure in heaven”. Good works should not be done for the purpose of receiving recognition

In these preparatory years, you young women spend much of your time in schools or jobs where you receive accolades, honors, awards, ribbons, or trophies. When you move from that stage to young motherhood, there is a dramatic drop-off in outside commendation. Yet in no other capacity is there more opportunity to serve selflessly as Christ would do by taking care of hundreds of daily physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. You will bring the light of the gospel into your homes—not to be seen of others, but to build others—men and women of strength and light.

There is much, much more that I desperately needed. Though the one simple truth, "in no other capacity is there more opportunity to serve selflessly as Christ would do..." was really what sounded loudly and rested firmly in my mind. It made me wonder how many kind acts of the Savior were unseen, unwritten and unknown. Uncountable, I am sure. If I can do nothing else, (and maybe I cant) I can serve selflessly as Christ would do in the four walls of my home.










And if HE is the only one that sees it...then he is the only one that matters.

4 Small Children 1 Veteran

My brother came in yesterday to do me a favor. He almost sat in water that Ella had sprayed on my couch with the bottle that she stole from my ironing board. I warned him and then he said,

"yup, your house looks like 4 small children live in it."

Mind you I spent all day, all day Monday cleaning the place. However, I decided to take the comment as a compliment rather than an insult.

Joshua my 1st younger brother accompanied my children to a Veterans Day lunch at their school. He even wore his dress blues. I went for the program and literally had to fight tears during the National Anthem and the Marine Corps Song, watching my brave brother stand absolutely stout in his uniform, my children staring up at him. He made my kids feel special, he met a Vietnam POW, one of his heroes and told me no less than a hand full of times how wonderful his wife is. The one who was alone on her first anniversary while Josh was away on deployment defending freedom. Spending time with my very own Veteran, made for a great afternoon.

Later while Scott was away the kids and I discussed freedom and liberty and veterans and plans for the holiday, then I slipped to the back room to get ready for bed. Just as I was finishing up Ella came down with black streaks across her forehead and a guilty pout across her lips. When I picked her up I could smell sharpie. Not a good scent to find on a two year old. They just don't go together. I investigated and as the black marks added up around the house, I thought,

"yup, looks like 4 small children live here"

But, I cant really think of any other way I'd rather it look.

Time For

My 3rd baby brother got married on Friday. He looked handsome and mostly grown up. His bride was glowing and breathtaking in her heirloom gown. I watched her parents eyes as the eternal covenants were made and thought that it must be a little bitter sweet. Sweet, that their first born girl is with a good man that loves her, making promises in the Temple. And bitter, that their first born girl is with a good man that loves her, making promises in the Temple. I was thankful that I still have time.

Time for field trips...

Time for swim meets...

Time for first hair cuts...

Time for dinner on main...

And today in church when my courageous friend with her round baby belly carrying her fifth, widowed only a few months ago, bore her unshaken testimony, I was so thankful again for~

Time and Eternity

Congratulations Jed and Melanie!

I Have a Job

I have been considering taking a writing job these last few days. Thinking about the time and commitment and of course the return. Weighing the pros and balancing them off the cons. Guessing the strain and the added stress. Wondering about the sacrifice.

I put my response on hold yesterday and headed out to the salon with my baby. We both got badly needed trims. My heart pounded a little when I watched Ella's soft yellow baby locks falling to the floor. When you hack their baby hair it feels like you are really hacking thier babyhood!
(over dramatic? I dont think so)

I caught a few and tucked them away. We stopped for lunch on our way out and still made it home in time for her to take a little afternoon nap and for me to fold a basket of clean school uniforms . All the while I was asking myself,

"would there be time for this, if I was up writing into the night, would I even feel like it?"

Later when I e-mailed the twins teacher to tell her I would attend the 1st grade field trip this week, I asked the same question. After school, I graded Math sheets and checked spelling words and signed planners and made Ramen, then I peeled the potatoes and passed them to Branson for dicing. I showed him how to layer the chicken with the sour cream and crumbled crackers. On the way to swimming we listened to "The Case of the Mummy Mystery". I questioned myself on my willingness to drive Kaden across America 3 times a week if my work load was heavier than it already is.

At FHE Scott asked me to read a few chapters to the kids out of the book we are all sharing and then he played this with the kids...

I guessed that if I had columns due, my mind would have been pulling me to the key board instead of allowing me to read and laugh and play before bed time. And I wondered,

"would I miss this?"

This morning, Brylee was crying before she even lifted her head from her pillow. I could see that her cheeks were flushed, her eyes were droopy and her forehead was warm. A sweet calm filled me up when I acknowledged that I did not have to change a single plan for the day in order to stay at her side, read to her and wrap her in comfort. There was no stress at having to put off work to care for my sick girl. Today there was nothing more pressing, more urgent, or more important than Brylee.

And that is how it is going to stay.

Many Hats

Finding a way to play all the roles of Motherhood has been a test in my quick change expertise this weekend. I felt like a stage performer rushing behind the curtain between acts, stopping at the hat rack to make a frantic character switch and then trying to deliver a show stopper with out breaking a sweat.


Friday afternoon I put on my classroom helper hat. I played Halloween games, glued together paper ghosts and served plates of sweets, to a load of 1st graders. I had to use the loudest voice I could make and every ounce of clever that I had, to keep their attention. It was grade school chaos at it's best with all 19 students clad in costuming for the occasion. Glue sticks, staples and crate paper were everywhere and I found that most 1st graders feel the need to get out of their desks, walk to the front of the class and stand directly under your nose to tell you something. They must feel that a simple hand raising will not warrant the attention their comment or question or life story deserves.










After I gathered up all my craft supplies and leftover treats, I gathered up the children and the carpoolees, put on my chauffeur hat and headed out. Costume pieces were flying around the car faster than Casper and the volume level hit new heights before we made the one block distance home.


I placed my sugar high offspring in front of the television and went back to wardrobe to loose my glow in the dark Halloween tee and switch to my Sunday best. Then it was a quick drop at Grandma's and a short drive down town to make the 5 o'clock session at the temple. While I sat in the beautifully peaceful waiting area, I tried to bring the frantic pace in my heart down and fully make the switch from energetic mother to reverent patron. Some how the quiet atmosphere finally penetrated the craziness of my life and I made the change.



Back into the world, Scott took me for a quick dinner and I happily put on my wife hat. Over Mexican food, we discussed the upcoming weeks and planned a Utah vacation for next October. To soon we were off again to collect the kids and my Mother character made bed time short and sweet.


Before the sun could even make her full debut, Branson had pulled out our many pumpkins and all the carving supplies. By the time all 7 orange gourds were officially made into Jack-o-lanterns, I had served breakfast and lunch, played the household maid part,picked up the baby-sitter and changed once again to dress clothes, so we could leave for the Saturday session of Stake Conference. The music at the meeting was nothing short of divine and it soothed my soul for the rest of the day.











Home again, I costumed the children for the 3rd time, finished off the stew, wearing my cooks hat and we drove off for the evening events.

















At 8:15 when the buckets were topped with sugar, I took the only child I had left standing and rushed off to visit one of my very first Laurels from 8 years ago. Having made the switch to friend, I had a fabulous time catching up and and looking back with her. She is expecting her first and is happy for the first time, in far too long.



I drove home late but grateful that my hat rack seems to always have the right hat at the right time. The challenge is securing it to my head in time for the show.








"A woman wears many hats in one lifetime, why shouldn't one of them be a crown?"
Annie Jones

Superstition: Prooved Wrong

3 black cats crossed my path today. They even graced my kitchen table and not one brought any bad luck at all. After school Brylee and her beautiful little friend Emma spent quite some time making these cuties...










Then tonight just before we settled on the couch for scriptures, our bell rang and we found a black cat goodie bag on our step. Inside was a note,







"These are the best cookies~to the molasses and the sugar I added:

a lizard
a toad
and a few good bat wings


Delicious!!


From a


Secret
goolish
creepy witch
who snorts and cackles
has pale green skin
and a big wart on her nose!"







The children were absolutely thrilled with the Halloween surprise and I was too! Whoever said that black cats are bad luck didn't live in our neighborhood! Around here they're welcome anytime!

• Thank-you, thank-you, dear sweet witch! (Scott had 4 cookies!)
• Feel better soon Emma's Mom!

Jinx

Sunday night Brylee and I set the picnic table and called the baby and the boys out for dinner. While Scott was dishing up his plate he looked around the back yard and told the kids how the 10 year mark of life in our small home was approaching this coming spring. He said to the kids,


"we have pretty much lived our whole life here."


And that is how I felt too.


"My whole life."


From 20 to 30, from one baby to a house full, from newlyweds to veterans. All of that constitutes my whole life. Or at least it seems to.


We talked about some of our favorite memories out in the yard where we were gathered. For some reason my mind jumped on images of Kaden's 4th birthday party. Spiderman was his phase of choice and I smiled when I remembered that before tearing open each gift he would look up at me with a snotty winter nose and question, "is it Spiderman?"


I couldn't help but feel the simplicity of life back then come tip-toeing into my memory. I didnt think so then but now with a clear view of hindsight I know that it was. Today we are in the "jinx" phase way past the Spiderman phase and I have to say, I prefer super heroes. Way better than hours of my 3 big kids waiting for a chance to catch eachother in simultaneous speech so they can scream "Jinx" in eachothers faces, thus rendering one another mute until their name happens to be uttered aloud. I have to say that this phase is accompanied by all other sorts of really annoying grade school habits and contest, sayings and games. It's never ending.


The "jinx" phase, is getting to me.


The other night every ounce of my goodness had been spent on our current phase and by 7:00, I was acting less than good. Scott kept saying things like,

"hun just go to bed, I'll handle it."

What he meant was,

"none of us can really stand you any more please leave us alone."

I was so past sensible by then that I refused. Last night I felt the same drain on my soul and this time I did take him up. Scott handled all of FHE and all of bed time. I felt calm as spring when he made it to bed two hours later.


I snuggled into his side feeling so happy that I am spending my whole life with such a man. Thankful that through the different phases and through the years he will be there to make up for me when I am less than good. When he was nearly asleep, I whispered my love in his ear one more time. When he responded, I almost copied him just so I could yell, "Jinx!"

But I didn't.



10 years ago

Tinker

Tinkerbell is offically...

Potty Trained!

Good Gifts

I am missing Fall break. We had 2 weeks off of school to play in the park with cousins, hike in the Grand Canyon and stay up late. Breaks from school are a really good gift that gets ripped from your hands way to soon. I am never good at facing life again after that. This week shoved me so hard back into schedules, car trouble, homework and difficult changes for my kids, that I am still catching my breath here on Thursday morning. Everyone in my house tends to get moody when we are pushed back into life and this week came with some extra challenges so the mood swing is flying quite high. (or low). This is evidenced by backseat warfare, WWF in the living room and master displays of selfishness.

Monday night I gave a Family Home Evening lesson about serving our siblings. A few of them needed this lesson badly! Brylee, who was not the one who needed it, took the whole thing to heart and hid some of her treasured money under the boys pillows. After breakfast the next morning they found their loot and did not so much as smile at their sister. They just shoved the coins in their pockets and looked down at the floor. I could have spit.

Tuesday came with other frustrations and by the end of the day I was feeling forgotten, sad and worst of all, like a terrible mother. I put everyone to bed early and then I laid in bed feeling sorry for my self. I was in the middle of a pile of self pity when I heard my 3 big kids giggling and tip-toeing from one room to the other. I ignored it and while I teetered on the edge of sleep for the next two hours the sneaky but cheerful, childhood noises continued. It was a tender mercy that was heating my hardened heart right up to a toasty warm.

In the light of the morning I found Kaden and Branson snuggled together in the same bed and Brylee close by at the foot. I sat next to them and found out that they had spent the evening before hiding different little gifts under each others pillows. Trying to not to be found out. Kaden had only 4 penny's left in his stash because all the rest had been gifted away. Little love notes from Branson were scattered in the hall and crumpled in the sheets. Smooth rocks and pearly shells were traded via pillows and all had given good gifts. Later that day we side stepped a few responsibilities and had a picnic in the corner of the huge park adjacent from school. While I watched the kids hair blowing in the breeze I took a deep breath and counted my reasons to be happy.

One

Two

Three

Four

I read once that the best gift you can give your children is brothers and sisters. When I have backseat wars raging in my car or ungrateful, selfish actions erupting everywhere, I would tell you~ that's the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life!

But it just might be that the bonds that are forming in the backseat or in their beds on a school night or in a wrestling match in the living room, are the bonds that will pull them together. So that when the breaks are over and life starts pushing them around again, they have someone.

And that...

is a pretty good gift.

Bear Record

I talked to my sister across the states today. I told her a bit about our adventures in The Grand Canyon yesterday and the aftermath that the 21 mile, 12 hour trek has had on my body. She said just one thing,

"is it really worth it?"

A question that has crossed my mind uncountable times. I even discussed it with Scott while we walked, my toes to his heals. I think Scott sees what being out in untouched creation does for me. I will never cease to be amazed by the earth and her secrets. Secrets that leave every muscle in your body screaming sore when you search them out. We watched the sun rise over the huge rocky abyss and I thought how incredible it is that this grand display of light and awakening has happened every single day from the beginning of time and most of us sleep right through it.

At the bottom of the Canyon we stopped to send a post card to the children. It was stamped, "carried out of the Grand Canyon by Mule." I wrote to them about how amazing the earth is and how Heavenly Father must really love us to create for us such a beautiful place to stay while we are away...

With miles still ahead we tucked the post card in the mule pack and went on our way but not before we rubbed shoulders with some of the locals...

In the heat of the bottom of the canyon we stopped at Ribbon Falls. An oasis! I wasn't sure I wanted to add more steps on to our journey to pay the falling water a visit but as soon as my aching feet touched the cold cascade I was glad that we did. The water was absolutely refreshing and I am convinced that it gave me what I needed to make it the rest of the way.

The afternoon turned our steps to the North Rim and we began our 3 hour assent out of the canyon. I hiked alone for much of this stretch. I counted steps, counted miles and counted my blessings. I listened to my lungs and ignored my aches and tried to remember the grander of the canyon walls and breathtaking landscape that I was completely engulfed by. I felt like a tiny speck of life amongst endless earth. The last mile looked like something out of a storybook. Yellow, orange, pink and brown leaves laid in piles on the ground, fluttered past me in the air and clung in puffs on branches. I didn't have enough energy to take an actual picture but I don't think I will soon forget.

Through out the day I repeated to myself the scripture, "and all things bear record of me." It is a wonder to me that so many amazing, beautiful and unique things were created for us. It is solid evidence to me that our Heavenly Father loves us. I know He does. I know He is real and I know that this earth is His creative handiwork.

We pulled in home this morning hurting from head to toe to greet the Lords greatest creation of all, His children. Our four.

" When we look to see the evidence of Creation all around us, from a grain of sand to the majestic planets, we begin to realize that we are the greatest of all God’s creations; we are created in His image. God created the earth in all its magnificent glory, not as an end in itself, but for us, His children. Indeed, we are His children, His offspring, and He is the Father of our spirits."

M. Russell Ballard

Just as the last of the sunlight was shinning we made it out, we had come all the way from the South Rim to the North...and it was worth it.

Safe and Sound

I came home late Thursday evening after a cub scout meeting to find that my boys and their like minded cousin Chase had built an elaborate quilt fort. The engineering was not exactly sound and it seemed to be as big as our entire family room.

Their 3 little boy heads were barley peeking out from under. I asked if this was where they planned to sleep. It was, so I left them to their plans and got ready for bed. I came back in to say good-night and out of a tiny bit of concern for their safety, I asked if they were worried about the fort collapsing on them during the night. Branson's little face emerged from the quilting, he answered my motherly inquiry by stating,

"we already prayed about that and it's not going to fall."

He was sure of it.

I was impressed. I climbed into bed and thought about my 2 boys plus one cousin kneeling in their masterpiece. I thought maybe the petition went something like this,

"Please sustain our fort through the night and keep us safe, amen."

Maybe.

By mornings light it was clear that their prayer had been answered and all was well in the fort. The structure had stayed in tact and all had slept soundly.

When the fort had been cleaned up and the kids had been shipped of, I sat in a darkened ultrasound room at my sister's side. We held our breath as the small gray figure appeared on the screen. A tiny baby stretched and squirmed and seemed to wave as we looked on amazed at this miracle. My heart was puffing out with joy for my sister who has endured repeated heart break in hopes of finally arriving once again and maybe never again at this very moment, where a small flickering image on a black and white screen means life and hope and answered prayers.

The gift of this day was hampered only by the job in Georgia that is separating my sister, her small red head and her growing belly from their husband and dad. And the dread in my chest of bidding them good-bye, so they can join him.

So last night I took a deep breath and picked up my sister's red head and I squeezed him and kissed him and asked him not to get too big. Then I hugged Jenny and wished her good luck in her new life across the country. Choking on my salty tears I expressed the hope of somehow getting to her when her little miracle arrives.

Earlier while Jen was fighting off streams of tears, I had said to her that this was just a new chapter in the same book and it was only time to turn the page and start reading. Trying to convince myself too. Then I remembered Branson's faith and I wanted to say,

"I already prayed about this and it's going to be fine, you'll be sustained through the night and when the sun comes up in the morning all will be well, because one thing is for sure little sister,

your engineering is sound."

I'm sure of it.

Co-sleeping and Forgiveness

I haven't been sleeping well. Somehow our older three have reverted back to toddler hood and feel fully entitled to invade our bed with out a second thought. One particular night this week I fled my sheets for the solitary comfort of the couch where I was certain no elbows would be in my ribs and no ones head would be jammed up against the small of my back. It wasn't long until I was followed. I embraced the 7 year old that joined me on the couch and thought to myself that it isn't my bed they want... it's me. Worth sharing a 2 person bed with 6 for.

That same 7 year old spent that entire day in a mood. Life was just hard for him that day and like we all sometimes do he took it out on the people he lives with. These were the same people he had felt inclined to sleep squished up next to the previous night. Now they were the cause of all his grief. I was on my own during all waking hours of the day so by dinner time when he flung yet another rude comment his brothers way, I scooped him up and put him to bed. At this point I was sure it was better for him and me both if he remained banished for the night.

Later I came by to kiss him good night and assure him that he was loved, he was mostly asleep but I told him anyway then I crawled into bed and found a note from my little offender...

Dear Mom

I am sorry I did that thing tonight I will try to be good. Love Branson

His tender and wobbly 1st grade apology was enough to undo all of the days mistakes and broken rules. I had waited all day for a tiny bit of evidence that his heart was contrite and here it was at bed time. All was forgiven like it never happened.

It must be the same way for us when we stumble and feel banished. An eager and loving Maker stands with forgiveness out stretched to us waiting for any evidence of a contrite heart and then a little sincere repentance, a small and sometimes wobbly, I am sorry I will try to be good and all is forgiven, like it never happened.

While I settled into sleep I wondered how long it would be until Branson made his way to our bed.

Elbows and all.

(photo by potraitsbyrobinlee.blogspot.com)

Opening Night Plus Some

We celebrated opening night of Fall break on Friday. We pulled out the fire pan and tried not to sweat while we sat around it enjoying the fire work display provided by our local High School.

How do you know when it isn't cold enough out for a fire?

When you enjoy the flames in your wet swim suit...

Brylee had claimed to have seen a huge bug on the porch, Ella was blowing her little heart out...

and the rest of us were enjoying opening night to the fullest.

The back door was opened, I was in and out getting dinner plates, when I walked through the back door and saw this under the table...

There was screaming and Scott came running to my rescue. He took one look at the trespassing arachnid and decided to roast it in the fire for our boys that would find a spider roast very entertaining. I passed my heroic bug catcher a paper plate to facilitate the catching. Scott had barley nudged the eight legged monster when the little freak ditched hundreds of off spring on my kitchen floor! Now I was really screaming and grabbed the closest ammunition available which was my beloved can of Spot Shot. Scott spot cleaned the unwelcome newborn's and went in for one more attempt at catching Mama. I was no less than horrified when this second attempt sent another slew of miniature spider babies scattering on the floor only there were twice as many this time as the first!

I thought I might need to move out but Scott felt confident that all the children and their evil mother had been disposed of courtesy of my Spot Shot and my brave husband. The incident has none the less, left my skin crawling!

We woke up a few short hours later to hike...it was lovely...

and after sitting in sweaty hiking clothes through both sessions we showered and headed out to attend the Copa ball where we were blessed to listen to Stephanie and Christian Nielson speak.

It was inspiring and humbling to witness the courage and faith they are happily using to continue on with life after being badly burned in a plane crash. Truly amazing. They tearfully and publicly thanked the doctors and nurses of Maricopa Medical Center for saving their lives and returning them to their 4 small children. I silently thanked them for saving my own brothers life three years ago. Between watching conference and hearing the Nielsons I was sure I could be better than I am. Very sure.

When we climbed into bed at 11:30, I reviewed opening night, I remembered the orangey moon setting on the mountain during our hike and let the words of inspired church leaders and one incredible couple settle into my soul. I would have drifted off to sleep in total comfort and peace if it were not for the disturbing memory of a thousand eency weensy spiders!!

It might take a while to wash them out of my mind!

On Being Selfish

I have spent most the week wondering where my energy and high spirits are. I have barley left the house and then just to shuttle my brood. It could be post vacation depression or frustration from having to give up running my triathlon to be at Kaden's championship swim meet, I 'm not really sure.





Yesterday, the more I looked at the list of things I should get done the less I wanted to do them. So I napped instead. Justified, no?





When I got up I prayed, and read my scriptures and then I made plans to quilt with Scott's Grandma (who I claim as my own).





Today when I loaded dirty dishes in the dishwasher before I had put away the clean ones I knew I had not snapped completely out of it yet so Ella and I headed out to run and buy a new bra, always uplifting.





Later I spoke with my Mom about a loved one in need, our discussion of ideas on how to possibly help pushed the rest of my gray cloud out of the picture. As I felt the gloom lift it became as clear as today's blue sky to me what my problem was.





Selfishness.








“When you find yourselves a little gloomy, look around you and find somebody that is in a worse plight than yourself; go to him and find out what the trouble is, then try to remove it with the wisdom which the Lord bestows upon you; and the first thing you know, your gloom is gone, you feel light, the Spirit of the Lord is upon you, and everything seems illuminated.”


President Lorenzo Snow





While I ran today the words of hymn # 223, rang in my ears.





"Have I done any good in the world today..."

No, but I plan to.

Hitting Curbs in Heaven

It was 11:42 pm on Friday when we pulled into the parking lot of Scott's work all four sleeping with their necks crooked and faces smashed up against the windows. Scott got out of the drivers seat and I went around and took his spot on my cramped traveling legs. His car needed to be dropped off at the shop and so I was following him there despite the hour. I pulled forward and right over the top of the entire curb jostling all the luggage and all the sleeping children.

I saw Scott glance over his shoulder.

After putting his keys in the service department drop box he climbed in the passenger seat and I finally pulled out to head for home, only I ran over that curb as well. Scott laughed at me and said, "you sure like those curbs don't you?"

I wanted to say, "you sure lock your keys in the car a lot don't you?"

But I was too tired.

We had left San Diego at around 6pm after a final summer week on the beach. It's always hard for me to let go of the cherished 4th week of September with it's sea side respite for our family before the onslaught of holiday cheer and hassle set in. But I love fall and there is just enough cool in the air at the top and bottom of each day to be convincing.

My favorite parts of last week were the same as they always are at the beach. Walks to get ice cream, endless carefree hours of watching the kids dig and swim and play, sleeping in and reading, all with the smell of sun block permeating our clothes and with the sweet ocean air providing perfect weather.

Scott stayed up till mid night one night with the three big ones to play the Game of Life. They are still talking about it. Toward the end of the game when the hour was getting late Branson would run to my bed between turns and snuggle up to me rubbing the side of my arm. The next day Brylee was sure to tell me that "even though Dad did get married during the game it was ok because he married... you Mom!"

Oh good.

The best moment had to be Thursday night the sun was heading into the ocean and I knew these were my last few minutes on the beach until next summer. All my children except Ella had headed up for the evening so I spread my towel down near the water where she was playing and I savored the peace that was in abundance on the quiet, nearly deserted beach. I took a mental picture of her with sand smudged on her face and packed onto her tiny rear end and thanked Heaven for my baby girl.

On Friday before we drove home we took the Kids to tour the Midway. The longest running US aircraft carrier, now a museum. All three of our big kids loved it and enjoyed every activity the massive ship provided, it was worth our late arrival home.

I managed to get us home before any other curbs were murdered and in a few more hours we were up and in the thick of life again. Getting kids to their meets and games, getting groceries and getting the car fixed. Getting back into life seemed to make the closeness I had felt to my kids and husband for a week solid, push wide open and part like the Red Sea.

Stresses of life seem to take no planning, no preparation and no effort to appear, they just are because we are. Moments that are full of joy and fun and heaven, on the other hand do have to be planned and provided we have to be willing to create the opportunity for heaven to appear in our lives. And then, spreading a towel at the edge of the waves or walking for ice-cream or getting out a board game at bed time suddenly makes Heaven appear all around us as if it wasn't that far away after all.

Even when we hit a few curbs along the way.